"Why do you talk so much about compassion?"

We talk about compassion because without it, all we could do would be no more than band-aids over a gaping wound.

 
When we act with integrity, with honesty, with an ethical approach, compassion is the basis.  From compassion flows healing, courage, and the strength to take a stand.

So maybe you're thinking, now, that you have a few more questions.  Things like, "what is compassion?" and "How do I apply compassion to myself and my life?"

Darned good questions. Let's talk about it a bit.

Compassion Defined - You Do it Naturally

Compassion means, literally, to "feel with."  In other words, if I have compassion for you, I feel with you.  I walk in the same footsore weary shoes you do - or I walk in the same joy and lightness you do.

Compassion arises out of the deepest, most pure essence of humanity.  And yet it is not magic, not some unreachable thing that you have to be a monk or nun to understand.  You feel it - and act on it - every day.  Almost all of us have held a door for someone juggling a lot of packages.  We have an instinctive reaction that stops a toddler who's headed into the street - even if we've never met that toddler before. 

When you read to your children, the underlying feeling is compassion.  When you laugh with a friend, it's compassion that allows you to laugh.  When you cry at a sad movie, it's compassion that makes your feelings parallel the ones on the screen.  Even cheering at a football game arises out of compassion, because you "catch" the excitement from your fellow fans and from the action on the field. 

So when we begin with compassion, we are beginning with a basic human quality.  That's important - because every single one of us has the capacity to develop our compassion more fully.  The crisis that brought you to SYMC is an opportunity for you to develop compassion and strength.  We wish you didn't have to learn these things in any more depth than you already know them. But if you're here, you need to make it through a crisis.  Developing your compassion is like weight lifting.  It won't help you shovel the.... manure.  But it WILL help make the job easier.

First, we want you to learn more about your value as a person.  That happens when you do compassionate things for people.  It doesn't matter who those people are or how large the act is. Try walking down the street with a pocket full of dimes.  Feed the expired parking meters for people - and feel how you walk a little lighter afterwards. 

So each day, we want you to take action.  Compassionate action.  Random acts of kindness and beauty, as the old bumper sticker calls it.  More than that, though.  Help someone.  Speak kindly to a neighbor you've never spoken to before.  Hand a homeless person your turkey sandwich.  Spend an hour reading to children at the local library. Build it into your life on a consistent basis.

And then we want you to learn compassion for yourself.  That means learning about how the ugly voices in your head are symptoms of your pain, not the last word on your existence as a human being.  We do that by introducing you to Steven Stosny's amazing Compassion Power work.

His work shows you how to access your most compassionate core self, which he calls "Core Value," through a series of eight "banks" of experiences.  These houses of the heart (we like pretty names) focus you in a compassionate, grounded state. 

Why it Matters - Getting Calm - Taking Action

But then, you must wonder why that is so important?  What's good about being in a grounded, compassionate state when your entire world has fallen on its head?

I'm glad you asked.

You see, we can't do anything at all about the chaos of your surroundings.  We can't change the hurricane that destroyed your house, and we can't do a thing about the kids having the flu or the bills coming due and the possibility that the house will be foreclosed.  We can't even make your spouse speak civilly.  We have no control over those things - and you don't either.

What you do control, though, is your experience of this chaos.  And that experience is the first thing we've got to alter.

From a place of grounded compassion, you become ready to take action.  Compassion is not about staring into space and going into a drugged-out state where you're feeling no pain so it's okay for someone to do open-heart surgery on you while you're still awake.

Heavens no.  We're compassionate hardasses.  We expect you to take action from that grounded, compassionate place.

Creating Boundaries 

We expect that you'll understand that it is not okay for your spouse to cause you harm.  We'll expect that you'll understand that it is not okay for YOU to cause harm to your spouse or your family.

And we expect that you'll become ready to take clear action to protect yourself and your spouse from harm - no matter who is causing it.

Compassion does not relax when there is harm or injustice.  Compassion understands that most harm is done when the other person is really hurting - and therefore takes the time to separate act from actor.  We prevent the act of harm - and encourage the actor to heal.

Tying it All Together 

All this stuff flows out of compassion - and it's complicated.  Most of the rest of our web site will talk about details and specific applications of compassion and its important corollary, ethics.  For now, understand that compassion is the basis by which we say, "If you harm me, you harm yourself.  If I harm you, I harm myself.  I will take action to ensure that I do no harm - and that you cannot harm yourself by harming me."

Joanna Bare chairs the SYMC Board of Advisors and serves as an adjunct coach. She is also a management consultant. Joanna can be reached at 571.331.6478 or email.