Save Your Marriage Central logo
FastNav:
Help for Marriages in Crisis
Marriage Fidelity Day
Online Discussion Forum

Dear Coach Penny,
I have a question I hope you can answer. I've been married almost two years, and in that time my wife has been through some very difficult times. I have had a tendency to be demanding, disrespectful, and angry toward her in order to get what I want.

Many times I have chosen to do what pleases me despite the fact that it hurt her. In addition, I have been mean to her children, often attempting to discipline them by yelling at them and hurting their feelings.

While she slaved away to make me happy, I failed to meet her basic needs for conversation, affection, and family commitment, to name a few. I even ridiculed her for having certain needs.

My question is this: Since there is nothing in this life that is more wonderful than being with her and being loved by her, how can I ensure that the changes I am making in my behavior will become permanent?

Sincerely,
Determined in Burnsville, MN

Dear Determined in Burnsville:
You have taken the first step in changing these bad habits, and that is admitting that the strategies you used to get your way were destroying your wife’s love for you and ultimately your marriage. Let’s take a look at the things you mention one at a time.

First, you say that you were demanding, disrespectful and angry with her in order to get what you wanted. These are the classic symptoms of abuse and are rooted in the belief that we have the right to tell someone else what to do. If these are deeply rooted behaviors of yours I suggest that you work within the framework of a professional anger management program in order to overcome them.

Control is a very deep seated attitude and it takes much dedication and practice to learn and put to use new skills. In order to be able to work on the skills needed to overcome this tendency, it would be advisable to eliminate as much other stress in your life as you can, right now. Stress is one of the triggers of control and anger.

You will need to learn to ask respectfully for the things you want your wife to do for you. And you will need to learn to be gracious and accept her right to decline. Once you have done that, you can begin to negotiate for the things you want in your home and in your marriage.

Second, you state that you often did things to please yourself, even though it hurt your wife. This is a common practice in marriage and one with disastrous results. Everything we do affects our spouse either positively or negatively. You each must take the other’s feelings into account when you make your decisions. Everything from how you spend your Sunday afternoons to how you spend your retirement fund.

Each of you must agree that until you are both happy with a decision no action is taken. If you have things in your life right now that either of you finds offensive or painful, those things should be eliminated. Then you can start with a clean slate and add only those things that make you both happy at the same time.

Remember, you cannot return to your former habits of demanding that your wife agree to anything, including your new strategy. But you can lead by example. Tell her that you have decided to do nothing unless she is thrilled with it as much as you are. And conversely, don’t do things for her that you would find offensive. Be honest about how you feel and work with her to find solutions that make you both happy. Respectfully explain to her how this new method is in your best interest, and how it might be in hers as well. Ask her if she would be willing to try it for oh…… say a month.

Men frequently don’t understand the bond women have with their children. And when the children are in a step family, the difficulties are even more complex. You don’t have the same connection that their biological father would, and yet you need to act with even more delicacy when it comes to discipline. Women are frequently offended by the severity and the harshness of discipline that men tend to mete out. I suggest that you and your wife work together to set out simple rules and consequences that apply to the children. That way, when something goes awry you have a plan of action ready and you don’t need to make decisions in the heat of the moment.

Once again, be careful not to impose your rules and expectations. You and your wife must agree with enthusiasm to the rules and consequences you ultimately decide on.

Finally you talk about her needs and your failure to meet them. I’m sure you realize now how painful it was for her and how damaging to your marriage for you to ridicule her needs. Men and women typically need different things in order to be happy in marriage. Our lack of empathy for the other’s needs is normal. If your marriage is to be fulfilling, you must develop habits of meeting her needs in a way that makes her happy.

At first this will be difficult, new habits take time to form and they feel awkward. You will need a way to keep yourself on track, good intentions are not enough to effect change. With time and practice however your new habits will take over and meeting her needs will become effortless.

How can you ensure that the changes you make will be permanent? One good way is to ask her for weekly updates on the issues you described. Talk to her about the changes you plan to make. Begin with the anger and the control issues. Once you have that under way, you should be spending time together making sure she enjoys being with you. Get her feedback and adjust your actions accordingly. Once your new skills become habits, you can ask for feedback less often.

Best Wishes
Penny R. Tupy
Coachville logoiac logo
Website design and
development by
Rachel Hirsch