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Dear Penny

I have a very close friend that is so caring and loving a bit self absorbed, yet wants to live life to the fullest. She wants to travel and take her children to see and do all the things that she has not done in  her life. The problem is she married a great man that is also a good father that comes form a very small town and never wants to leave, not even for a day trip.

He is in the habit of telling her dreams are for children and she need to grow up because she is no one special. She has fears of going and doing all of the things she wants to do by herself and is on the verge of getting out of her marriage. She does love her husband a feels he is a good man but now she feel that the have nothing in common but their children and that is not enough.

I want to help because I love them both but I don't want her to be unhappy. She said that they are fighting more and the children’s behavior is starting to slide downhill. What can I do if anything to help.

P.S. He gets mad at her and does not talk for days and then he will say something to her and she want talk to him for days.

Please anything to help.
A

Hi A,
I would suggest that you purchase a couple of books for your friend. The first is Fall In Love / Stay In Love  and the second is His Needs / Her Needs. Both are by Willard F. Harley Jr. PhD. Both are published by Revel.

Each of these books addresses what it takes to keep love alive in marriage, and more importantly the steps needed to successfully negotiate solutions to conflicts in marriage. She and her husband need to be able to discuss these issues in a way that is both respectful and courteous. They need to explore how each feels about the issues and then they need to find solutions that will make them both happy at the same time.

Right now, it sounds as if they are polarized... She sees only her way, and he his. In reality, there are an infinite number of options in between and at least one solution that they would both be thrilled with.

In marriage, if it is to succeed and be happy, couples need to learn the skills needed to find solutions to their conflicts that will work for both of them. It would be a far greater tragedy for her children if they were to lose the stability of their family and their home than if they were to miss out on some travel or cultural experiences. The most important thing a parent can do to ensure the future happiness and success of his/her child is to do everything possible to make the marriage a happy and fulfilling one.

Here are some studies that you might print out and pass on to your friend:

Why Marriage Matters
Does Divorce Make People Happy
Effects of Divorce

I would be happy to work with your friend alone or with her husband to make the kinds of changes in her marriage so that she would never have any desire to leave.

Please let me know if you have further questions, or if there is some way I can help.

Best to you,
Penny R. Tupy