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Penny,
I will try to be concise.

My wife and I have been married for 27 years. Neither one of us has had an affair. I think our sex life is fine. In addition to my 18 year old son discussed below we have daughters a teenager and a 20 year old.

Our problem is two fold.

(1) Profound disagreement on the amount of influence we should exercise on decisions being made by our 18 year old son.

(2) Inability to constructively share these differences with each other.

It is a long and confusing story as to how we got to this point. In summary, I have been frozen out of all significant decisions of my son. He makes these decisions after consulting my wife and his guidance counselor. Most of the time I am not even given the courtesy of being "told" what was decided.

My wife criticizes me for not being involved in his life but gets angry and defensive as soon as I start talking. When emotions are running high, I am attacked personally by my wife and son for being a bastard and a bad father. I love my wife and son. I am an emotional basket-case when they say these things to me. I have responded with equally hurtful comments. It is not a good situation.

Today I moved out of our bedroom and into the spare bedroom. Sleeping next to someone who has such high contempt for me has become uncomfortable. We are very close to a significant event that would start us down the road to a divorce. As unpleasant as that would be, at least I could see an end to the pain.

Is there anyway to stop this?

V

Hi V,
It seems that you and your wife have fallen into a very common and yet very destructive marital pattern. That of making decisions without taking each other's feelings into account. In good marriages where love is sustained couples know that conflict is an inevitable part of life, and they learn to manage that conflict by making decisions that are good for both of them at the same time.

With your son, your wife is doing something that works for her...and going behind your back to do so. There are lots of reasons that she may be doing so, she might be afraid of how you will react to her thoughts and desires. It could be that in the past you got your way at her expense and she doesn't know how to avoid that now so she is simply trying to get what she wants. Of course she is doing so in a way that is hurtful to you and your marriage. There are many other reasons why she might be handling it this way... but without more info or talking to her it would be impossible to say for sure.

I am wondering about her relationship with the guidance counselor. Is this a man or a woman?

Certainly there is a way to stop it. It takes some effort on your part, and you'll need to examine your own habits and behaviors. Change takes time, but it is well worth the effort involved.

Some books I would reccomend to begin with:
Fall in Love Stay in Love by Willard Harley 2001 published by Revel
The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis 2001 published by Fireside

I offer an initial phone coaching session at no charge and would be happy to talk with you about your situation and to offer my thoughts on what could make a difference. Please let me know if you have other questions, or if you would like to schedule a time to talk.

All the best!
Penny R. Tupy

Penny
(1) Your initial comments are correct. I have to find a way to stop the alliance my son and wife have created. On that point this morning I took the step to tell my wife that it was the secrecy that is frustrating. There were 3 specific incidences I could point out from last night alone. I told her I see these subtle reminders every day and get mildly to deeply offended EVERY day. She took the criticism well and agreed to try to stop.

(2) The guidance counselor is a man but there are no issues there. I am confident. My wife can be mean spirited but she is not unfaithful. If infidelity ever enters our marriage it will be me. I have threatened to seek out female companionship in the past just to have somebody who will nlisten to what I have to say but I don't have the desire to follow through. I want this woman to listen, the woman I married and love deeply to just listen.

(3) I am ready to let go and allow my son to make his own mistakes. My advice is counterproductive anyway. I am having a much harder time accepting the disrespect he shows when he is angry. I see the disrespect directly at my wife as well. She ignores it and wants me to ignore it as well.

(4) I will definitely look into the books recommended and will keep your number handy.

Thanks.
V

Hi V,
Yes do check out the books I suggested, I think you will find them very insightful as well as helpful.

I sure that you have realized that to threaten infidelity is to cause great pain to your wife. I know that living with pain and neglect is very frustrating and that our instincts are to make demands and to threaten in order to get what we want. But in the long run that strategy backfires and we find that our spouse finds being near us very unpleasant.

Your approach of telling your wife how you feel, that is a factual statement about you, is excellent. Honesty in marriage is essential, but really we can only speak honestly about ourselves. Telling her how you feel about the things that are happening is wonderful. Make sure you do so in a way that is courteous, gentle, and caring.

Your son will of course leave home... what happens between now and then will leave a lasting effect on how it is perceived by both you and your wife.

Yes, the disrespect of teenagers knows no bounds!! (I have one that is 21, one that is 20, one that is nearly 18, and one that is 12... plus a few younger ones) So I hear you on the disrespect issue! My personal way of dealing with it is to simply walk away... most of the time, anyway. They do get better as they get older.

When my son who is 20 graduated from high school, he made some very poor decisions. Failing a drug test for employment woke him up, and he came looking for help to get out of that situation. He is now employed, supporting himself in his own apartment, and doing pretty well. If I could convince him to go to school I'd be in mom heaven!

I know the idea that your wife would be unfaithful seems impossible. And it may be that there is nothing to worry about. But I would encourage you to do a little surreptitious checking. I get emails every day from men and women who have discovered their spouse's affair with the most unlikely of people. It never hurts to be cautious....

Please do let me know if you have other questions I can help you with.

All the best!
Penny R. Tupy
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