Save Your Marriage Central logo
FastNav:
Help for Marriages in Crisis
Marriage Fidelity Day
Online Discussion Forum

Penny,
Thank you for sharing your insights on your website.

I am absolutely confused. We have been married for 17 years and have middle school aged children (including one with a severe birth defect that makes overnights away impossible). I have no reason to believe my wife is having an affair. Instead of an affair, she focuses on the success of our children. To a certain extent, I cannot complain about her devotion to our children. On the other hand, I feel that some times she uses this as an excuse to avoid me emotionally and physically. Since last July, we have had intercourse twice. Rather than being resentful (though honestly can't get this emotion out of my system) I still try to do little things...a hug..a kiss...hoping that she will reciprocate or even initiate emotional / physical contact. Rather, she pulls back from me...too tired in the evening...got to get up and help the kids in the morning.

On a few occasions, when she is upset, she has said that she isn't interested in being with me. When I suggest talking about it with someone, her response was that everyone will just say she is wrong and blame her.

What would she say about me? I am strong willed and too rigid (although frankly she is equally strong willed). She would also say that I am not a good communicator/listener...Yet at some point, when she brings up the subject of schools (where do we send them next year) for the 4rth time and I've already expressed my views, I do turn off I am reaching a point where my efforts seem futile. Marriage coaching may be the greatest thing in the world, but if she isn't interested, it is destined for failure. While infidelity is a bad thing, I understand how it happens. In my condition, I frankly don't know if I could resist the temptation if it were laid before me.

At some level, I wonder whether this marriage is even worth saving. I never thought that I would give up, but I am at wit's end.

S

Hi S,
Having children is a great stressor on marriage. Time that couples once spent giving to each other to meet each other's most important emotional needs is now taken up by the children. In your case this is amplified by having a child who requires more time and dedication than most.

In order for couples to stay connected and in love with each other, they must make their time together, without children, family, or friends of the highest priority. Only in this way can they continue to do the things that maintain a loving relationship. Couples need time to participate in mutually enjoyable recreation, to engage in intimate conversation, to be affectionate with each other and of course to have a fulfilling sexual relationship.

Women need to feel that intimate connection which is created through conversation and affection in order to want to have a sexual relationship with their husbands. In almost all cases where the sexual relationship has declined, the wife will tell me that the things which made her feel connected to and cared for by her husband were gone long before.

Now, that's not to say that the husbands are entirely to blame for coming to that place. As you say, your wife devotes much if not all of her energies to the care of your children. This is a common practice for women. (We see the flip side of it with men and the attention they devote to their careers.) But what each is failing to recognize is that the very best thing parents can do for their children is to make sure that they are happy and in love with each other. The research on the effects of divorce on kids is chilling.

Now about coaching. While it is true that results can be seen more quickly when both spouses are involved, it is not true that we cannot make incredible progress with just one partner. Most of my clients are either men individually, or they are couples where the husband worked with me first and then was joined by his wife when she saw the changes we were making. There is quite a bit that one partner can do to effect positive change within the marriage.

While it is true that it takes both husband and wife to create a great marriage, it is also true that it often takes one partner to prime the pump, so to speak. As either husband or wife makes changes that address issues in the marriage, in a way that is good for both of them, it is often times the case that the other will be intrigued enough to come out from behind his or her emotional walls and to begin to take steps in the same direction.

I know that when you are dealing with the pain and frustration that only can be found in intimate relationships it seems that the best solution might be to just throw in the towel. Researchers and those like me who work in this field know that's a false, albeit tempting, belief. I'm attaching some links that I think you will find interesting, and giving you a few suggestions for books as well.

From what you are telling me I see much hope for your marriage with some work. Here are the books and the links:
The Divorce Remedy, Michele Weiner-Davis 2001 Fireside
Fall in Love Stay in Love, Willard Harley Jr. 2001 Revel
Legacy of Divorce, effects on Kids
Why Marriage Matters
Effects of Divorce

Please do let me know if you have other questions, and if you would like to pursue coaching at some point in the future.

All the best,
Penny R. Tupy

Coachville logoiac logo
Website design and
development by
Rachel Hirsch