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Comments:
Hi, Today, the 28th of Jan. I read in the Orange County Register an article by Kay Harvey "Affairs need not wrech marriages" and I say rubbish!  The bottom line is that happily married men and women who love each other, talk to each other, communicate to each other DO NOT HAVE AFFAIRS.  If they were happy in all aspects of their life with their spouse and communicated with the spouse, they would not seek happiness, sex, conversation outside of the marriage.  The fault lies in their marriage were they need to take responsibility for their role in the marriage and if it is not working, then make a choice to talk to each other or leave and move on. Individuals who have affairs are seeking what they do not get at home from their spouse period.  Happily married individuals do not cheat on their spouses.

A

Hi A,
You are absolutely right in saying that happily married couples... those who avoid doing things to hurt each other, meet each other's most important emotional needs, and who make their decisions taking each other's feelings into account do not have affairs.

What Kay's article was attempting to say is that if the marriage has deteriorated... if the couple has not done those things I mentioned... and there is an affair,  it does not mean it must be the end of the marriage.

Recovery following infidelity is possible, and encouraged. More and more researchers are finding that couples who stay together and work at restoring their marriages, even after an affair, are much happier than those who divorce. The effects of divorce on adults and children are being found to be far more severe than the mult-million dollar divorce industry would like us to believe.

Although I would love to be able to reach couples before they fall out of love, much less have affairs, I find that I can help them recover after the fact.

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

Best to you!
Penny R. Tupy

Note: Further correspondence with the writer of the email above showed that she had been the affair partner of a married man. Never married herself, she told me about the pain and stress she experienced herself during the affair. Affairs hurt everyone involved, the betrayed partner, the unfaithful partner, and the lover. A quote from the movie Unfaithful comes to mind,” Someone finds out, someone falls in love and everyone gets hurt.”