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Ms Tupy,
My wife and I had a fight last night over our infant son's eating habit. She was so upset about the way I responded and she said she wanted to end the marriage.

We had this kind of fight 7 or 8 times a year over the last few years now. Every time it ended without any specified action plan to solve the problem. Although I tried to change my behaviour but it seemed to me that I couldn't control my anger toward her. This kind of pattern repeats itself over and over again. It hurts our marriage.

Today, she sent me a email telling me how she feels about me and our relationship. It hurts me to see her in such pain and unhappy. I want to win her back but I don't know what to do and say to her. Please HELP! Below is the letter she sent me this morning.

Thanks for your help.
J

Letter from to J from his wife, which he forwarded to me:

"I also thought about the situation looking from my reality and perspective: From my end, things are like this: you have already decided to do things when you mention them to me.

Much of what you said about me is true. If that is so, wouldn’t it be simple if I just stop being so blaming and negative? All our problems would be solved and we can live in peace. I tried, it didn’t work. If you are still open to listen, I will try to explain things the way I see things. Yes, a part of the reasons that I am negative is that my nature is too cautious on your risk scale, and I don’t know much of the field you are working in. So I am not able to give you the type of feedback and encouragement you are looking for to begin with. However, there is something else you have overlooked. You forgot that I am living with you and would be affected by the consequences of your decisions. This is a very important reason why I just can’t listen to you and provide support without any reactions, negative or positive.

Can you see? Surgeons don’t operate on their own loved ones because they are too emotionally involved in it. What you are asking for is an understanding and approval (as if from a good friend who is not emotional or financially tied to you) but can you see the difficulties for me when I know what you do will have a direct impact on my life and even more important the kids. This becomes even more complicated when your risk scale and mine are so different. Same with the way we think how a problem should be solved. Most important to me, is how you never acknowledge the impact of what you do can have on me, or that you understand my fears. You behaved as if these things don’t exist and if they do, they are my own problems. Therefore you don’t see the point of going an extra mile to make things easier but shut yourself from me because I did not greet your ideas warmly.

You see, as a result, I become very resentful, fearful and lonely. This hangs over my head constantly as we never really address it despite countless arguments the blaming no doubt also comes out of it.

I put all the above thoughts down not as a way to say I am right or I am wrong, defend my behaviors or justify them, or to tell you stop talking to me about your problems. I hope for understanding and hopefully, help you to look at things from a different perspective so both you and I can learn to give and receive what we need.

I am not here to make you feel bad or win some arguments with you. I very much wanted to make this marriage work but I am also going crazy with the way things are. I can’t make any changes on my own or with the ways things are now either. Please help."

Hi J,
It sounds to me from what you tell me and from the email your wife sent that you have a long standing problem in your marriage with how you make decisions. Certainly it's a common problem, but it's one that sets up and creates a downward spiral that only gets worse.

In marriage, assuming of course you want it to be happy and fulfilling for both you and your wife, both partners need to do a couple of things when it comes to making decisions and resolving conflicts. The first is to share honestly with each other how they feel and what they want. I do a lot of work with men and women on this step. We talk about what honesty is, what it is not, and how to give and receive information about feelings in a way that is safe and respectful.

The second step in this process then is to take the information that you and your wife share with each other and use it to find solutions that work for both of you. I believe that there are an infinite number of options when it comes to solving almost all problems. And from that infinite number there will be at least one option that you and your wife can agree on wholeheartedly. Until you find that one, you make no decision and you continue to brainstorm and negotiate.

Although I think communication is essential, if it isn't used to effect positive change it's a little pointless. And if fact it can be destructive. If you have shared with your wife that something she is doing or plans to do is objectionable to you in some way, and she does it anyway, the resentment you feel is increased by the fact that you know she is disregarding your feelings.

In marriage there shouldn't be fights. Conflicts? Absolutely, you can't avoid them. Differences of opinion? Definitely. But fights are abuse. They are one or both person's attempt to get what they want regardless of how it makes their partner feel. It usually begins with a demand that something be done, or be done a certain way. And if that doesn't work it escalates to insults and other sorts of disrespect. And if that too doesn't work, tempers get lost and anger erupts. All of this can happen in a matter of seconds or minutes.

The attitude behind all that is the idea that we have the right to tell someone else what to do, or how to do it. And we don't. Most certainly not our spouse!  Now, arguing and insisting on getting what we want when we want it is instinct. It's what babies do from the minute they're born. They survive because they demand attention. What we need to learn is how to set aside those instincts and to learn new skills that helps us get what we want, without hurting someone else in the process.

In reading the email that your wife sent, she is telling you loud and clear that she needs you to take her feelings into account when you make decisions regarding your lifestyle. She needs to know that even though her opinions are different than yours, you will give them as much respect and consideration as you do your own, and that until you both agree with any decision, it doesn’t get made. My rule is that it takes two enthusiastic “yes” votes to implement anything and only one “no” vote to veto it entirely. This ensures that both partner’s feelings are considered and that the choices they make are good for both of them at the same time.

If you begin today by letting your wife know that from this point forward you will not make demands of her, that you will respectfully consider her thoughts and opinions, share yours with respect, and most importantly not make any decision until she is fully on board with it, I am certain you will see an immediate improvement in your marriage.

All the best!
Penny R. Tupy
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