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Hi Penny,
My spouse has been spending a lot of time with a coworker, of the opposite sex, recently. He says they are just friends, and have much work related information that needs to be discussed. I’m worried about where this might lead to in the future, but I feel like I should trust him. DB

Dear DB:
You certainly are right to be worried. You don’t say if this time together is being spent in a work situation, or in a more personal setting. Either can be cause for concern, but we might look at each one a little differently.

First let’s talk about trust, and your right to feel alarmed. Trust (which will be a newsletter topic early in 2003) must be based on knowledge. Blind trust of a company, government, or spouse, without full information isn’t really trust at all. It’s simply a calm born out of ignorance. Trust comes of knowing all the ins and outs of a situation, and understanding that your interests are safe.

In marriage, everything you do, and conversely, everything your spouse does, affects how you feel about each other. And how you feel about the marriage. If either of you is doing something that the other one finds offensive or painful, you certainly have the right to ask your mate to discontinue that behavior.

It would be good to know how and where this time is being spent. From the tone of your letter, it sounds like it might be out of the office and not strictly business related. Honesty is, as always, where you need to begin.

As soon as possible, find a minute where you and your husband are both relaxed, and express your concern. Be sure to express your feelings in a way that talks about you. So, rather than saying, ‘I think you are getting too involved with ____.” It would be better to say, “I’m worried about what is happening. I wonder if you could share your thoughts on the subject.”

Be a good listener. No matter what he tells you, thank him for discussing it with you.

Emotional affairs are real. And they happen all the time between co-workers. If you feel that you can talk about this with your husband without the conversation turning into an argument, I would do so. Again express your concern, and ask that he limit his time with this person to necessary work related time only. At the office. If he becomes defensive about the relationship, I think you might have more cause for alarm. Keep me posted and we can talk about what the next steps are, based on what your conversations reveal.

Best to you,
Penny R. Tupy