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Dear Penny,

My husband had an affair with a woman he met at the gym. It went on for about 4 months. I found out just as it was ending. He does not see her any more and says that he is sorry and wants to make our marriage better. The problem is that I just can’t get over the hurt enough to forgive him. Don’t I need to do that if we’re going to stay married?

CM

Dear CM:
I’m sorry you have to struggle with this. Infidelity is one of the most difficult things you can have to deal with in your life. The good news is that your marriage can recover, and it can be as happy and fulfilling as you dreamed. The recovery after an affair is a very difficult time. And forgiveness is an issue that is raised again and again.

Personally, my belief is that forgiveness comes at the end of the recovery process. Let me explain that a little. My American Heritage Dictionary lists the definition of “forgive” as to “absolve from payment.” So, if there is a debt owing, to forgive means that the debt is wiped away, never repaid.

In the case of infidelity however, there are things that can be done to repay the betrayed spouse for the pain that has been inflicted and the damage that was done. That’s called restitution.

Granted, it can never be repaid in full, and that’s where forgiveness comes in, but not until restitution is done.

Now, before your head is filled with visions of community service time cleaning road ditches, let’s talk about how restitution after infidelity looks. There are things that you need in order to feel safe with your spouse. And there are things that each of you need to do to repair your marriage.

First, you need to know that contact with the lover is ended forever. Ideally this should be done in the form of a letter, which the two of you write together. I can help you with the details of what should and should not be in that letter.

Next, you will need to know what your husband is doing and where he is 24 hours a day. In marriage you each should be accountable to the other for your time, money, and whereabouts. When you are recovering from infidelity it is essential for the betrayed spouses’ peace of mind.

The situations and conditions that made the affair possible will need to be altered or eliminated. In your case it was your husband going to the gym alone, where he had the opportunity to meet this other woman. There are several options for how that could change, and the two of you will need to decide on one that you can both be happy and comfortable with. Just a couple suggestions are that you can work out together, at a different gym of course or you can find another activity that you would both enjoy doing.

Together you will need to explore what it was about the marriage that your husband was dissatisfied with. This is not to say that you are to blame for the affair, there is never an excuse for cheating, but in order to recover, those issues must be addressed. Both of you will need to develop the habit of considering each other’s feelings in the decisions you make. You’ll need to create habits that make each other happy, and avoid the things that make each other unhappy.

And finally, by taking each other’s feelings and concerns into account, you will need to develop a way of life that makes you both happy at the same time.

It’s a tall order. There’s no doubt about it. But one step, one day at a time, it can be done. Once the two of you have done those things, I think you will find that your anger and pain have decreased substantially. You will be feeling safer and happier in your marriage and with your spouse. At that point, I believe forgiveness will come naturally.

Best wishes,
Penny R. Tupy
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