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Hi Penny,

Two weeks before Christmas my husband left and moved in with the other woman. We were going to some classes and he was going to keep our granddaughter, we were running late, I went to the bedroom to get my coat and the phone rang, he never answers the phone, but did that time, I picked it up and hear, “Tell them wrong number, call me when you get a chance.” I went to the other room and he is telling them, “That was a strange call.”

Everyone went on out to the car, he followed us to the door, when they got to the car I told him, I do not know what is going on, but when I get home I want to talk to you,  His answer, there's nothing going on what is wrong with you.  When we got back home he didn't talk to me, after everyone left I got a snack and cleaned up the kitchen, in the meantime he laid on the couch, watching me but not saying anything. 

I went in the den and asked him if he made his call, he said, what call, I repeated the wrong number, etc.  He said , yes he did but that was not what she said, it was a customer, she wanted to know if he had gotten home okay because she knew he was supposed to watch our granddaughter. 

Who was this customer I asked, and since when did customers call to see if you got home okay.  He said this was a little old lady he was doing work for her at her house. I asked him if it was (the other woman by name)  he jumped up...NO, I knew was lying and told him so, one word led to another, then he said do you want me to leave, he said it two or three times, I said yes, why don't you go where you been spending all your time lately. 

He says I ordered him out four times.....  He jumped up and said I'm going for a ride, ran back to the bedroom to get his shoes, I followed him, he grabbed his shoes and ran out, I thought it looked kind of bare and went back to check after he left.  While we were gone he had packed up and loaded the truck, this was all planned....two weeks before Christmas.

I have tried to talk to him, I told him I thought I at least deserved an explanation. He said he had to have a couple days to think and he would talk to me, he still will not talk to me says he will call but never shows.  He denies he is living with her.  (But he is)  He is 69 and she is 54 and has been married three times I know and possibly four.  She has had her claws in him for the past two years (he has actually known her longer than that). 

They teased him at the his job about her, but no one thought he was that stupid.  He tells me she is a very religious lady?????? She knows the Bible backwards and forwards, and eats, sleeps and breathes the Bible.  Can you believe that? We were married fifty years last July I still cannot believe what he has done.

He has gone to a lawyer for a separation agreement  to settle who will take care of what bills and a property settlement, but will not talk to me. He always was a moody person and I thought he would snap out of this. He went to the bank and opened up a new account for himself and one for the business, introduced her as his long time friend and bookkeeper.  She trashed me and told them that we were married 46 years and I had run off with all his money and he was having to start over again.  No one can believe he has done this and I just wonder ...where is it all going to end.  GIve me some advice.

R

Hi R,
Affairs are addictions, and when one partner gets caught up in one they typically lose about half their intelligence, most of their integrity, and nearly all of their ability to think rationally.

There are steps that you can take and things that you can do to end the affair and restore your marriage. I must warn you, however that most of those things go counter to what your emotions and instincts will tell you.

First, take some time to think about the things that your husband complained about in the marriage. Did he want to spend more time with you? Were you angry or demanding? What things did he want from you that he wasn't getting, and what things did he say were hurtful? This is NOT to say that the affair is in any way your fault. It's not. But if we are to entice him to come home, we need to look at problems that existed in the marriage and make some changes.

Next I would suggest that you expose the affair to everyone you know. Not in a way that is disrespectful or angry, but rather tell people that you want to save your marriage and that his relationship with this woman is destroying it. Ask for their support in whatever way they can give it. I would especially tell your children, your families, and your church family. If there is anyone who might have some influence on him, start there.

I don't know what the laws are in the state where you live, but you might want to see what you need to do in order to protect your finances. Just remember that if you see an attorney it is their job to get all they can for you, and the methods they use can be detrimental to saving the marriage... make sure you stay in charge and that you stay clear about what your goal is.

Most affairs end sooner or later. Exposing them to scrutiny by family and friends tends to hasten the end. Letting your husband know that you are addressing things that he was unhappy about in the marriage lets him know that you care about his happiness (in the marriage.. NOT with her!) and will hopefully make him think twice about throwing away a lifetime together for someone else.

I would strongly recommend you pick up a copy of Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley. You can find it at most major booksellers or online at Amazon.com. It is by far the best on the market for understanding and recovering from infidelity.

Please do let me know if you have other questions I can help you with.

All the best,
Penny R. Tupy
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