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Dear Penny:
Two months ago my 20 year relationship started to fall apart because suddenly at 40 years old, my wife declared she needed freedom.  This was a bomb that was dropped on me because when she seemed unhappy I always thought, and she indicated, that it was work-related.  We've been living "separated" in the same house acting like roommates since before Thanksgiving.

She says that she is not seeing anybody else and that that is not the reason for her behavior.  She is hanging around and going out partying with friends who are quite a bit younger than we are.

When we try to talk about the situation she tells me that she loves me but that she needs her freedom right now and that this is about her.  She knows how terribly it's affecting me and says it is killing her to see me this way.  She just left our house and will be gone for a while - I don't know how long.

We went to a counselor but it became clear that she only did it for me to find a way to cope and not to work on our situation.  When the counselor referred her to another counselor, she told me that she wouldn't be going. I don’t know what to think or what to do. Help. HJ

Hi HJ,
First let me say that I'm sorry you find yourself in this place. I know it comes out of nowhere like a ton of bricks. Here are some of my thoughts on what you told me.

I'm suspicious of the whole situation. From my experience with so many couples, usually when on spouse says he or she "needs space," what they're really saying is that they need space to try out a relationship with someone else.

I'm not saying that's the case with your wife, but it certainly would fit the profile. As would insisting that this is about her and that there is no one else. Almost all unfaithful spouses deny their involvement with someone outside the marriage. Sometimes even when confronted with irrefutable evidence. So, I would do a little behind the scenes snooping if I were in your shoes.

Now then, how did we get to this place? Women lose the emotional connection to their husbands long before he knows anything is wrong. So I would guess that she's been unhappy for a long time. The question to ask yourself is what kinds of things has she complained about over the years and have those issues been addressed to both your satisfaction? Typically those are things like spending time together, good conversation, and an atmosphere of affection. If you have children it could be how you are as a parent or even how you provide for the family.

Additionally we need to look at things that you might have done that were painful for her. Things like being demanding, rude, or angry.... possibly even your recreation time away from her.

Unfortunately, as you have found, most conventional marriage counselors' goal is to help you cope with ending your marriage... rather than saving it. My goal as a coach is unequivocally to save your marriage. I do that by looking at what's not working right now, creating a strategy to change that and then implementing the plan. It is forward action oriented.

I’d be happy to help you develop that strategy and to refine and implement it. Please keep me informed and let me know how I can help.

Best to you,
Penny
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