Save Your Marriage Central logo
FastNav:
Help for Marriages in Crisis
Marriage Fidelity Day
Online Discussion Forum

Dear Penny,
My husband of 15 years blind sided me on this winter by telling me "he didn't love me anymore." He moved in with his Mom and Dad the next day. I cried day and night for 6 weeks. February was horrible, March I sorta remember and by the mid part of April I'm getting myself back together. We did meet a couple of times and talking led into sex. Only sex he said - no love. He talked to me in January and February anytime I needed to but I didn't know what to say other than cry and ask why, why, why. I never got a straight answer. I went thru a time of me being incredibly angry for a while. Now I can talk to him on the phone nice and he is beginning to be nice to me asking me if I had a good weekend, Easter etc.

The first inclination in January that we had a problem was he helped a co-worker fix her car for 5 hours on a Saturday. She sent a message to me thru my husband thanking me for letting her borrow him. I then found his cell phone bill and wow was I stunned. He had been talking to this woman all of January at least 2 hours a day.

I don't know where our marriage went wrong. We did get along well, we had sex, we went places. He was my very best friend. I miss him terribly. We were even discussing building a new home. I feel so stupid I had no clue.

Since he left he has made absolutely no attempt at trying on our marriage again. I ask him why he didn't argue with me while we were married so I would have at least been aware we had a problem. He cried and said he couldn't bring himself to it. I don't mention getting back together. I know he spends the night frequently at this other woman’s house.. I feel like divorce is the only answer. Financially he has made my life difficult. What to do now??

Yesterday my cat was very sick and need to go to the vet. He was very ill and will need to be put to sleep today. His mom must have told him how serious our cat was. Our cat was 13 years old. My husband called and left a message on the answering machine... Saying he was sorry about my cat. For us to remember the good times we had with the cat. He said that he knew I hated him and he hated himself too. I don't know what he meant. I've told him over and over I don't hate him. I disapprove of what he has done. Do you think he is finally feeling bad about what he has done? It’s been 13 weeks since he left.

I have since started dating and am even dating my first love from high school. It is a very warm and nice relationship however I feel like my marriage was jerked from my life and I'm afraid of men. If I thought my marriage relationship was great what kind of judge of my life am I. I really am scared.

Your help is appreciated.

Thanks
W

Hi W,
 I'm so sorry to hear that all this has happened to you. It must be overwhelming. I know that it feels like divorce is the only answer, but there are many things you can do before you get to the point of considering that choice. Divorce is a terribly tragic event, and it is horribly difficult emotionally, financially, mentally.... Let's see what we can do to save your marriage before you begin to consider that option.

First let me say that your marriage cannot recover as long as either one of you is seeing someone else. So if there is to be any hope, his relationship with this other woman needs to end... and I'll talk about that in a minute.... and you need to end your relationship with the man you are dating.

Yes, I know. It's horrid to be alone, and the company of an old friend feels so good right now. But the truth is you are pretty close to engaging in an affair of your own (if you aren't there already),  and once that happens the nightmare just becomes more complex and more terrible. I would urge you to let this man know that you cannot see or speak to him again in the future. That you really want to save your marriage and to make it all it can be, and that as long as he is part of the picture it won't be possible for you to do that.

Affairs, emotional or physical, are painful for everyone involved. And although it might be wonderful with this friend of yours right now, the chances of it remaining so are statistically nil. End it for yourself, and do it for this person you care about.

Now then, about your husband. He is definitely involved in an affair with his coworker. The big red flag for me was the statement you made at the beginning of your message that he told you he didn't love you any longer. That is far and away the most universal clue that there is someone else in the picture.

So, almost all affairs end. Very few go on to form permanent relationships, and of those that do, even fewer survive. The success rate for marriages that result from an affair is something less than 15%.

One of the reasons for that is because affairs are not relationships based on reality, integrity, honor. They are fantasy relationships that are founded on the betrayal of another person and fed with deceit.

The first step in recovering your marriage is ending his affair. Until that happens there isn't anything else we can do to save the marriage. The strategies I use are based on the work of Willard Harley, a well known psychologist who has many years of sucessfully restoring marriages following infidelity.

The first part of the plan has three branches, so to speak. And they should be done simultaneously, as much  as possible. They are:

To look at the issues in the marriage. What things did he need that you weren't doing for him... can you do any of those things now? What things were you doing that he found painful or objectionable? Let's make a plan to eliminate those.

To confront him regarding the affair and to be honest about how you feel about it. Now, he already knows you know, and I hope he knows that this has been and continues to be what is most likely the worst experience of your life.

To expose the affair to the scrutiny of the world. Tell. Tell your family, friends, church family, his boss, her husband or partner. Anyone that can influence a break up.

Affairs do quite well in secrecy. They tend to fall apart once the world finds out. That's because affairs are about fantasy. When the reality of the light of day hits, the fantasy ends and conflict sets in. All of a sudden, a relationship that seemed so perfect becomes a bit rocky.

Now, I'm sure you've had the thought reading this, that he'll be terrribly angry if you do some of those things. And you're right, it's quite possible he will. I understand that it seems like a contradiction that on one hand you are doing things to show that you can be the wife he's always dreamed of (by meeting needs and eliminating painful behaviors), and on the other doing these things that he will find very upsetting.

You have to look at an affair as an addiction, and for the most part treat it as such. You need to be kind, caring, courteous, and at the same time work to remove the source of the addiction... the affair. We want him to recognize that you are willing to do what it take to make the marriage a wonderful and fulfilling place for both of you, but the idea here is not simply to make him feel great about you. The foremost goal must be to end the affair... the addiciton... and to do that you must take steps that will upset him.

I often tell people that sucessfully navigating through a spouse's affair means putting your emotions and instincts on hold and working from an intellectual understanding of what affairs are all about and what it takes to end them. Almost always emotion and instinct will take you down the wrong road.

Ok, so my first suggestion to you would be to implement those things as soon as possible. Then let me know how it's going in a couple of weeks and we'll see where we need to go from there.

Also, I want to express my condolences on the loss of your cat. We have one who is quite old also, so I understand how much a part of the family they become.

All the best to you,
Penny R. Tupy
Coachville logoiac logo
Website design and
development by
Rachel Hirsch