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Hi Penny,
A very dear friend, whom I have depended on throughout the course of our 12 year friendship just mailed me your website, and it honestly could not have come at a better time. I suspect she is feeling the burden of my emotional weight. Her is the scoop to my present marital turmoil: My husband and I met 5 years ago through a mutual employer. He had been married for 12 years at that point but claimed to be very unhappy and it was clear to me that his marriage was not what he had hoped for himself. We started a relationship and he left his wife and two teenage children within months of us being together. I have often thought that I was a convenient "out" for him as I am aware he had tried to leave the marriage several times in the past, but returned.

Eventually, he divorced but not without excessive strain on both of us, his ex-wife and children. We married in 2000 and in 2001 I gave birth to twins after an extremely difficult pregnancy. To add to my emotional strain, I had massive bleeding during the emergency c-section and had my uterus removed, thus rendering me sterile. My husband was back to work within 10 days of the children being born. To say the first three months were difficult is an understatement but I am glad to say my children are the least of my problems.

To further complicate things, my husband works away from home for 3 weeks out of the month, so I am essentially a single parent to our two very busy children. I have family that live close, but unfortunately they cannot be depended on for child care consistently. I have no hobbies (unless you count watching survivor once a week), I do not have any close friends and do not work out of the home. We always disagreed about things in our marriage, but I have always maintained that it is healthy to argue because it gets things out in the open and clears the air. He disagrees with this in that he believes arguing is an indication of unhappiness. It is therefore next to impossible to talk about anything together as where I am a solver, he prefers to let things go unspoken which leads to further conflict. Where as we used to only have arguments when he was at home, now we are arguing while he is away at work which is exhausting for both of us. I feel he is becoming more controlling as time goes by and this is indicated to me by him threatening to cut off my access to money, confiscating my bank card, credit card and car keys on numerous occasions. He frequently does me the complete insult of reminding me that he makes the money and will decide where it gets spent, thank-you very much. Of course, because he works away from home it is impractical not to mention absurd that he elicits this control over me. My husband has a very high income and it is demeaning to me to justify spending 1000$ on food, clothing and diapers for our children every month. I honestly pinch every penny and even shop at discount and consignment stores so I don't have to listen to him complain about the finances, which as far as I am concerned are satisfactory. I suspect that because he lost everything in his divorce he is untrusting of me and my motives so therevfore keeps a very short leash on the bank account.

My first question is, how do I get him to gain trust in me as far as money is concerned and show him that I am not intending on taking him to the bank? Please note, that I manage all the finances, balance all the cheques books and pay all the bills as it is easier for me to do this than him in light of the fact he is away from home so much.

My next concern is his clear lack of time spent with our children and myself when he is at home. It seems he would rather do anything outside, but spend time with myself and the children. The children are 17 months old. I am aware that he finds it an adjustment as when he returns from work the children have changed in so many ways, but it seems to me that he would rather not spend quality time with us at all. I am completely past the point of expecting any amount of child care from him when he is home, and have gotten to the point that I don't even ask him to help. I do however, expect that as the father of these children, he at the very least attempt to spend some quality time with them, in light of the fact that his quantity time is so limited. He doesn't spend 30 minutes a day interacting with them and if it is even possible, spends less with me if I don't count arguing that is. Friends have told me that this is normal for some men, and I wonder if it is a generational cue as well as he is 13 years older than me.

My second question is, how do I persuade him to spend quality interaction with the children, and should I as a loving mother even have to ask for this for my children from my husband? It seems ridiculous to have to beg someone who is supposed to love you to spend time with you. Might I add, he doesn't "work" when he is at home and spends his time outside doing yard work and various other "hobbies". There are many other contributing factors in this relationship that do nothing to make the marriage easier. The list could go on and on. Every day I wonder what a mess of a situation I have gotten myself into and even if it is salvageable. He refuses to go for any type of marriage counseling and I feel like I am honestly fighting a losing battle.

To make things worse, his drinking is increasing and he is becoming verbally abusive and I am afraid it will escalate into physical abuse before long. This is not the life I anticipated for my children or myself and as a educated, formerly independent woman of 30, I wonder if I am wasting my time trying to "change" myself to be more accepting of him. I worry about all I have lost in this marriage and I suspect it isn't supposed to be this way.

Can you help me? I am aware of the odds against this marriage surviving; the 13 years between us, his divorce, him working away from home 300 days out of the year, the twins and all the work that comes with them. If you think this is unfixable...I have the divorce lawyer on speed dial.. D

Hi D,
Unfortunately the biggest strike you have against your marriage is the fact that it is the result of an affair. Yes, I know his marriage was unhappy anyway, but as long as he was married, it was an affair. Most affairs that go on to form permanent relationships do not survive. The statistics are not in your favor.

Some of the reasons that is so detrimental to your marriage are that it's a relationship that was based on passion and conceived in deceit and betrayal rather than one that you each came to free and clear, so to speak. It doesn't speak well of him as a potential husband or father that he would do that in his first marriage.

Also, it says that this is a man who is willing to do what makes him feel good even if it means devastating pain to his wife and children. In marriage, partners need to be able to put the health of the marriage and their spouse's feelings ahead of whatever it is they want to do. That hasn't been his method of decision making up to this point.

Second marriages are difficult too, simply because of the pain carried forward, and often times the feelings of guilt. I'm sure there is much of that when he thinks of his former wife and his children from his first marriage. Being able to share that with you could be very difficult, and not sharing it creates walls. Either way it's very hard.

I wonder too about his older children. They probably see you as the cause of the marriage breaking up, and that can cause stress in his relationship with you. All in all it's a tough place you find yourself in.

So then, is it hopeless? No, I don't think so. As long as two people are alive there's hope. The real question is will he be willing to do what it takes to turn things around, and will you still be in love with him when that happens?

For couples to maintain the feelings of love they need to stay emotionally connected. And in order to do that, they need to have time together. At least 15 hours a week, alone, doing things they both enjoy. They need to meet the needs of conversation, recreation, and affection at the very least, during that time. With your husband working away from home 75% of the time, that's not going to happen. There is no way you can maintain and emotionally close and satisfying relationship with that type of arrangement. Nor can you restore the love you once had.

The only way that both partners can continue to be happy and fulfilled in the marriage is if decisions are made in a way that takes both parties feelings into account... so that the choices they make are good for both of them at the same time. There's a logistical problem in doing that when one partner is away from home so much, but I suspect some of his control with the finances might be related to feeling like he has no say in how or where money is spent.

However, I am very concerned about the escalating control that he is demonstrating. Not to mention the disrespect and the put downs that you describe. Does he have a history of being controlling or abusive? Do you know what life was like in his first marriage?

There are two ways to cause pain in marriage. The first is active. The things we do to one another that hurt. They fall into broad categories of demanding to get our way even if it hurts the other, being rude or disrespectful to get our point across or to get our way, losing our temper - making threats - punishing to get what we want. Those are the abusive ways we hurt each other, and every argument has some elements of at least one of those... probably more. Arguing is abusive. (Avoiding conflict is not the answer, but there is a way to share informations without arguing)

The non-abusive ways that we hurt each other are the things we do that irritate our partner to distraction. Being dishonest. And finally the independent choices we make. This runs the gamut from watching tv to having affairs and encompasses just about everything in between.

The things he is doing with the anger and the disrespect falls into those categories. The job and the hours he keeps would as well.

The other way that we hurt each other in marriage is by neglect. Men and women need different things to be fulfilled in a relationship and we tend to not be very empathetic to the other. Women need men to be involved parents. (Men don't seem to have this need... I have my theories on that, but it's too long for an email, perhaps an article later this spring or summer) We also need them to create an atmosphere that says we are safe, cherished and loved. Where men need sex, women need affection and conversation. But see... sex is an event with a definite start and stop. Affection is not. It's like a program that runs in the background. A necessary program.

So, back to the original question. Do I think it's unfixable? Not at all. But I do think that there is a lot going on and it requires getting a plan in place that is based on intellect and understanding of the dynamics of relationships rather than on emotion and instinct.

There are definitely some strikes against you, but I know couples who have managed to overcome them, so it's not impossible. Let me know if coaching is an avenue you would be interested in pursuing.

All the best!!
Penny R. Tupy
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