Save Your Marriage Central logo
FastNav:
Help for Marriages in Crisis
Marriage Fidelity Day
Online Discussion Forum

Dear SYMC:
I met my wife in 1986. We dated for 7 years before we got married in 92. While I was deployed to the war in Iraq and after almost 11 years of marriage she has just told me that she was unfaithful to me with several different people prior to our marriage. I believe the war had something to do with her telling me. Like I would die and not come back that made her confess.

Two were one night stands which she remembers. Three were short term relationships that lasted a couple of weeks. She cannot remember if she slept with any of these 3 people but believes she did. Alcohol was a factor. She was in college or just recently out of school at the time.

I was totally faithful to her for those 7 years and have been in our marriage. We have been together 17 years now.

Needless to say I am devastated. We have cried and cried. I have a great marriage, beautiful children, and a great wife (a lousy girlfriend then). She says that she has kept her marriage vows and I believe her. She had no reason to tell me these things now.
We will start marriage counseling on Friday.

I realize that marriage and boyfriend/girlfriend status are not the same. I have talked to our pastor about this and he has helped me a lot. I am still devastated.

Can you help us in anyway? I want to make our marriage work again.

Thanks
F

Hi F,
 Yes, I'm sure it must have been devastating to hear of your wife's infidelities while you were dating. Although I agree that dating is not the same as marriage, I suspect you must feel as if you got married under false pretenses. Dishonesty is a terribly painful act. It is one of the things that does so much damage in marriage.

Certainly there is quite a bit we can do to work through this and to not only save your marriage, but make it a wonderful place for both of you.

I think we should begin with full disclosure, if you still have questions that are unanswered. I can help you through that if you like.

From there I think our attention should turn to what is happening now in the marriage... what's working, what's not... and build from there.

Although we could spend quite a bit of time rehashing the past it's really only going to make both you and your wife feel bad.. and feel badly about each other.

The steps to recovery following infidelity, even long past infidelity, are fairly straightforward. This is a piece I'm working on for my website. It pertains primarily to recently ended affairs, but almost all of it is applicable for you as well:

The conditions for recovery are:
Complete Honesty. Each of you must learn to be honest, in a way that is respectful and courteous, about all the events in your life. This includes how you feel about things that each of you does. Your hopes, dreams, and plans. And is particularly necessary in terms of accountability. You each need to know where the other one is and what you are doing 24/7. There can no longer be the opportunity for one of you to have a secret second life. This is one of the conditions that allows an affair to flourish.

Eliminating things that hurt each other: This is where we look at things that each one does that either hurts or annoys their spouse. This ranges from abuse to simple habits that drive you wild.

Doing things to make each other happy: Being honest and eliminating hurtful things will stop the pain. And then in order to restore love to the marriage you both must re learn what it is that reach of you needs to feel happy and fulfilled in the marriage, and then find ways to enjoy doing those things.

Time as a couple: The primary reason marriages fall apart and lose the intimate connection is that couples stop spending time together a. They do things with their kids or their friends and families. But to maintain, or rebuild, the feelings of love men and women in romantic relationships need to have time for just them.

Creating a way of life that is good for both of you at the same time: You do this by making all your decisions in a way taking each other's feelings into account.

~~~~

I'm sure you are also wondering how you can reestablish trust in your marriage. Generally following an affair it takes about two years for trust to return naturally. You may find it to be different, since the circumstances are a little unusual. But what I find is that when the conditions I outlined above are met over a period of time -- when they become second nature -- trust slowly returns to the marriage. Forgiveness tends to happen about the same time, by the way. At the end of the process.

I work via phone and email with many men whose wives are having affairs or who are in the process of recovering from infidelity. That is an option you could pursue at some point. You might also find the book Surviving An Affair, by Willard Harley, most helpful.

All the best!
Penny R. Tupy
Coachville logoiac logo
Website design and
development by
Rachel Hirsch