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Hi!
I just have a question. I read an article in the WomanWise section of the local paper called & your e-mail address was in it.

I've known my ex-husband for about 12 years. I adored him. He was everything to me. I met him in 1990. We married in 1995 because I was expecting his child. We divorced in 2001. We tried working things out 3 times but I always ended up feeling the same way I felt towards the end of our marriage.

We have been talking about possibly trying again but I have a BIG problem when it comes to intimacy with him & I think I know why. I think it's because when we were in a relationship he treated me like dirt. He was never physically abusive but he just wasn't loving with me. I felt so unappreciated. He treated me like nothing during the day & then he would want to be intimate with me at night. At first i didn't care but as time went on I really hated going to bed & thinking that he would want to be with me. I hated his touch, his kisses, well pretty much everything he did. My question is.. Is it possible to get over feeling like that about being intimate with someone?
A

Hi A,
Here's my thoughts on your questions below, and some other questions for you, too.

You don't say what happened that led to the divorce, or who left the marriage. It would be helpful to know that.

What is apparent is that when you tried to get back together (and I think it's wonderful that you did) you didn't have the know how to address the things that were wrong with the marriage in the first place. You also talk about how your husband treated you badly, and how that led to the loss of the feelings you had for him.

The good news is that those things can be remedied, and yes you can regain not only the feelings of love but the desire to be intimate again.

It's very typical that men and women misunderstand what the other needs to be happy in the marriage. Men tend to need things that are isolated events. Sex, a recreational companion, and possibly an attractive wife... although that's pretty loosely defined. Women, on the other hand, want more of an atmosphere that goes on all the time.

As you say, you needed to feel loved and cared for during the day, not just as a sexual partner at night. Women need things like conversation, affectionate gestures (that do not imply a sexual demand), a good father if we have children, and even a good wage earner. Women need far more to be happy in marriage than men do, and it is for that reason that most divorces are initiated by women.

I do a lot of work with couples and with men individually to help create a better understanding of those differences. And then I take that a step further and work with my clients to put together a concrete strategy for seeing that those marital needs are met in a way that eventually becomes second nature.

For example, I routinely give husbands a homework assignment to watch Oprah. Not to sit on the sofa with a bag of chips and a drink to see what the topic of the day is...no, they are to watch and to take notes on how she demonstrates to her guests that they are heard. They report back to me the things that she does to show that her guests are important, and that she is fully engaged in the conversation. I ask about things like body language, eye contact, phrases she uses to draw them out, and any other things they notice. Then, I have them put that information into a format that they can use easily.... and they are to practice those techniques in conversation with their wives. Without fail they report that she is more responsive and more likely to be willing to spend time with him simply by making that one change.

There are many other things I do with couples, but that's an example of how I address conversation.

So the way to marital happiness is pretty basic, in theory anyway.
Avoid doing  the things that hurt each other
Become experts at the things that make each other happy
Create a lifestyle that works for both of you at the same time by making only decisions that are good for both of you at the same time. Until you reach that point, you do nothing and negotiate.

Two books that I think you would find very helpful:
L by Willard F. Harley Jr. Ph.D.  and H by the same author. You can order then from amazon.com or barnesandnoble.com

If you have other questions that I can answer please do send them. It's taken me a while to get caught up after taking a mini vacation, but I think I'm getting there!

All the best!
Penny R. Tupy