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Penny
I've been married to my husband for just over 19 years now. We started off very young, 17 & 20 yrs. old, and had a very rocky start. My husband came from a sexual abusive background, which I was unaware of at the time we married. He had three small sexual contact encounters with friends of ours within the first 5 years of our marriage. We stuck it out and work on our marriage through each one.

Then I found out that he was a pornography addict. He tried counseling twice for these problems but always quit when he had to rehash his past. We continued to work through it together. After 12 years of marriage we finally seemed to be clicking and having a great relationship. After 15 years of marriage we became pregnant with our first son. At the same time my brother who was very close to both of us died suddenly of a hear attack. This wrecked both of us. My husband happened to be out of town the night it happened and he flew back the next morning.

Soon after my first son was born. We both seemed to be growing apart from each other. Thirteen months later our second son was born. We continued growing apart.

For the last year I've been blaming him for all that we're going through. (most of the blame was done in my head) My husband's job has required him to work long hours, weekends and travel. I feel left home alone with the kids all the time. I often asked for time out together but he has never wanted anyone to watch the kids but my sister and his mother - both of whom have little "extra" time to watch kids. I'm at home taking care of literally everything except making money.

We lost contact with all our friends and the only people I talk to anymore is his Mom and my sister. Last week I caught him cheating, or so I thought. I saw that he made a phone call to a strange phone number from his cell phone and I called it. It was a female coworker who is married, with kids. I confronted him on it and he lied that it was work related. I knew better and he finally told me the truth.

They had started talking during their smoke breaks and someone finally said they were going to start a rumor that they we having a thing. He said he told her let's get together then and asked her for her cell number. He said he called her and said he didn't really want to do it, he didn't want to lose his family. He said she thought his comment was a joke anyways. I believe him, but he did still lie to me.

The kids and I went to stay at a relatives house in the country that night so I could just get away from it all. He left a message on my cell phone that he didn't want to lose us, call me to talk about it. I didn't get the message until the next day so I didn't call him back, which I think really hurt his feelings. That night, after putting the kids down, I asked to talk. He had a totally different attitude at that point. He said he didn't want to work on it anymore, it was over. I was in shock - that's not what I expected to hear from him.

The next day I started soul searching and looking for self-help on the internet and came across a couple of reading on wives of sex addicts and realized that I have NEVER forgiven him for hurting me at the beginning of our marriage - I was building anger towards him and never really let it out. Then I got much more anger after the death of my brother and it's been all down hill every since then. I know I have a lot of blame for where we are today in our marriage but I don't know what to do at this point.

I did talk to him about holding anger towards him and I apologized, which made me feel better, but now what. He is staying in the spare bedroom, acting like a roommate. He says he just doesn't want to work on it anymore, doesn't know if he ever will. He just wants to be here for the boys. I forgot to mention that he tried to kill himself with overdosing about 10 years ago and I'm afraid if I told him to get out he would do something bad. Not to mention that he makes the money and I couldn't afford this home on my own. I just don't know what to do next. I love my husband very much, although I realize I didn't show it much with all the anger I was holding on to. Any suggestions on what to do to save this marriage?

M,

Hi M,
From what you tell me it appears that things in your marriage were doing quite well and that you were recovering from the earlier infidelity until the death of your brother and the birth of your first son shortly afterwards. Unfortunately that's not an unusual scenario.

Recovery from just about anything can progress very well and then get hit by a big whammy when life's conditions change quickly and or drastically. In your case, you had two big events in your life in a short time. Both those events were stressful and out a strain on your relationship and how you interacted with each other.

Having children is very hard on marriage. All of a sudden there are new decisions to be made, and all the comfortable patterns of being together as a couple are thrown into disarray. Almost always, the time you had for just the two of you to meet each others important emotional needs evaporates. And to top that off you begin perhaps for the firs time to make your decisions in a way that is good for one of you and bad for the other. You create the conditions of incompatibility. As you say, you grew apart.

When that happens it leaves one or both partners very vulnerable to someone else stepping in to meet those needs. Conversation, affection, admiration are all doorways to becoming emotionally involved with someone else, and they frequently lead to physical involvement as well. I am highly suspicious of the relationship between your husband and his coworker. I suspect that it is far more than a friendship at this point.

At this point there are a couple of books that I think you would find very helpful. In fact, I would say that if you are serious about saving your marriage, they are essential.

The first is Surviving an Affair by Willard F. Harley Jr. PhD. 1998 published by Revel. This is a MUST read. It is the best on the market for addressing and recovering from infidelity.

The second is Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It is brand new.

The third is His Needs Her Needs also by Willard Harley. It describes how and why we fall in love, how we fall out of love, and how you can restore romantic love in your marriage.

If you cannot get all three, then definitely choose Surviving An Affair.

Once you get the book and have a chance to look it over, let me know how I can best help you. I'd be happy to work with you and your husband, or you alone if he is reluctant to participate. Until then, feel free to email me if you have further questions.

Certainly your marriage can be saved. It takes time and dedicated effort, but it certainly is worthwhile.

Best to you!!
Penny R. Tupy 
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