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Dear Penny:
My wife and I have been married for 17 years. We were married when we were relatively young and had no previous serious relationships. We have three great boys (ages 4, 8, and 10) and by all accounts appear to have a good marriage and happy family.

I have a very good job that requires very little travel and allows me to be home evenings and weekends. My job has the flexibility to permit me to attend school, sporting, or scouting activities for the children. I worked hard to get to a point to where I could have a job of this sort where I can have family time.

But I am not happy. I feel distant from my wife. I feel like she cares more for others than me. She spends a great deal of energy and time volunteering to help at church or school or in other projects in the community. She never wants to spend time together. She essentially created a job for herself recently that involves teaching at nights and on weekends.

I really never know when to expect her home when she has class because she says there are things outside of the regular class time that she needs to help her students with. So now our time together has become even more limited. There is time to interact with the children but not for us as a couple. She also isn’t open to any form of intimacy any more. She seems happy with her new job. She is good at her job and very successful at the other projects she tackles.

When I tell her about my desire to spend more time with her, she complains that I am whining and that I am trying to keep her from having a career that she enjoys. She says she is not happy either but she doesn’t know what to do about it.

I want a plan and need a plan to move forward in married relationship but I don’t know what my wife wants. I don’t want to break-up this family, yet I feel like that is what is going to come next unless I want to stay in this unhappy place.

Am I just being selfish because I feel like I don’t matter to her anymore? Do you think we can repair our marriage and make it stronger?

RCD

Dear RCD:
You are wise to recognize that you need a plan to move forward. Many marriages such as yours struggle to survive, and without a roadmap to get them where they need to go, they are at high risk for infidelity, divorce, or both.

From what you say it sounds as if your wife has felt distanced from you for quite some time. Women are generally more sensitive to the emotional climate of a relationship than men. What you are noticing now, she probably felt long ago.

She probably tried at first to let you know that she missed the companionship and the affection that you enjoyed in your dating days and the early days of your marriage. Possibly she did that by using instinctive methods of being demanding, being disrespectful, and possibly even losing her temper. You may have found it difficult to hear her underlying message beneath those strategies and so you did not adjust to her needs.

As time went on she felt more and more distanced from you. Eventually she found other people and opportunities to feel fulfilled. Her job provides her with admiration and conversation, two very important emotional needs. She has found fulfillment and appreciation. She withdrew from you in order to avoid feeling the hurt of emotional distance, and she focused her energies into her job.

I would suspect that she is feeling some anger and resentment that you are, in her opinion, finally recognizing what she tried to point out to you years ago. That you have drifted apart. She probably resents that you now want her to give up the things that she finds satisfying in order to spend more time with you.

Where do you go from here? First I would acknowledge that you may have hurt her in the past by not being there for her. And that perhaps you weren’t as sensitive to what she may have tried to tell you about her needs and feelings. Tell her that you are determined to be the husband she’s always wanted and that you hope she’ll give you a chance to prove that to her.

See if you can negotiate some time together. Perhaps you could offer to help with some of her teaching projects in return for an evening out. Something as simple as getting a cone at the local DQ and going for a walk would be a good place to begin. A good place look for ideas is in your dating days. What did you do then that she really enjoyed? Suggest an evening spent in that activity.

Women typically need conversation in order to feel connected to their spouses. Make sure that you ask about her day in a way that expresses interest. Ask how she felt about the events. Make good eye contact and keep the attention on her. Draw her out on topics that she seems to feel deeply about. Share the events of your day as well, particularly your feelings and reactions to situations.

You may encounter resistance at first. Do your best to be pleasant and to avoid any hint of controlling behaviors, i.e. telling her what to do. In time she will take note of your change in behavior and be more open to reconnecting with you emotionally.

Best Wishes,
Penny R. Tupy