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Hello
My husband wants to separate. he says he no longer wants to work on "us", he stopped going to counseling with me, won't read books, etc. This is really a big mistake, and something I do not want.

But how do you repair a marriage when your partner won't work at it, or wants to repair it?
G

Hi G,
Well certainly it is more difficult to get the ball rolling on restoring your marriage when only one of you is working on it. And you are right, long term that just won't work.

But in the short term there are things I think we can do to begin to effect some positive change. I work with individuals to learn and build skills that will take you in the right direction.

Some of the things I do with clients is to first find out what the issues are in the marriage. What is it that’s not working? And what is it that the reluctant spouse finds painful or objectionable? Those are things that need to be eliminated and replaced with more attractive or pleasant habits. So I  help people create a plan to do that, and then I help keep them on track.

We also talk about what it is the other person needs to feel happy in the marriage, and we see if we can negotiate with that person (in this case your husband), offering him those things in return for some things you might enjoy. A give and take of things which are good for both of you.

Along with those things I spend a lot of time teaching people about the need for honesty in marriage. And more importantly how to be honest without being demanding, insulting, or angry at the same time. So that you can begin to let him know how you feel and what you need in a way that is most likely to be heard and respected.

Those are the things I begin with when I work with clients in a situation like yours. We do that for a few months to see where it goes, and along the way we evaluate what is working, what isn't, and we make adjustments as needed.

You can begin to implement some of these things on your own immediately. If you find you need more help, I do offer in depth coaching assistance for couples and individuals working to redstore their marriages.

All the best!
Penny R. Tupy