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Penny,
Husband and I married for 34 years.  Both love each other and do not want to divorce.  Found out about his affair this winter with many lies with maybe final truth out late this spring.  Many years ago he propositions one of my friends and asks her out, she says no. The next year he was with one prostitute for oral sex.  The following year he calls another friend of mine and goes over for coffee, but when leaving kisses her passionately and asks for more, she says not now.  Later he, meets a woman in park, gets manual sex and this continues two more times on separate occasions. Later he meets another woman through a friend, parks with her receives oral sex. He meets her another time in hotel but intercourse failed because he could not do it.  A few years later he met a woman through his positions at work, it progresses to some kissing but she not interested in anything further.

Also says he was bisexual and practiced this for at least 5 years, although that was long ago. I became pregnant in 1981.  He says he always loved me that these people were for sex only.  I believed he loved me and never planned to leave. 

He says there has been nothing since the birth of our child.  Realized what he was doing was wrong.  Felt joyous AFTER birth of the baby and is faithful to this day.  He even took a polygraph for me and passed to prove that is all there was. 

I can't seem to get over hurt. I am on anti depressants but still cry each day.  My point is his saying for SEX ONLY... He says for no other reason.  Is this possible?  I know he loves me with all his heart.  The lying for those months killed me before all the truth came out.  I don't know what to do to stop the hurt.  I now feel used for all those years in the 60's and 70's. 

Question:  Does it matter that he can't remember why he did all this?
Question:  SEX ONLY?   Is that a good enough reason?
Question:  How do I resolve this long ago behavior of his?  How do I stop the hurt and build trust?

He has been great in trying to help me, holding me, speaking of how much he loves me etc,  I believe that.  Even in the 70's when he was not working we were each other's shadow  Hardly worked overtime.  Discovered camping, hiking, scuba diving, backpacking, canoeing biking, all these things together.  And on days off and vacation we have traveled all over the US.  Went everywhere together. 

Please Help Me
V

Hi V
 From what you say, it seems that your husband has some hallmarks of being a sex addict. That explains the risky behavior and the "sex only" parts of your story. It also fits with what he is telling you about loving you and your family and wanting to make it work, not wanting to lose you.

Now, before the word "addict" sends you over the edge, let's talk about it a bit. We all have addictions, things that trigger a release of chemicals in our brains, such that we seek them out over and over again. Some addictions are fairly innocent and non-destructive, others destroy families, homes, and lives. And of course, they run all along that spectrum.

An affair, the way we usually think of it, is almost always an addiction to another person. The good feelings we get from having our needs met, combined with the fantasy thrill of the whole thing create immense pleasure for the people involved. That's why it's so necessary to end the affair and to have no future contact with the affair partner before any other efforts to restore the marriage will be of much use.

Some of us have addictions to food, work, gambling, shopping, tv, video games (my kids!), and of course the old standbys... alcohol and drugs. The process of recovery from an addiction follows the same pattern almost universally (food and work being difficult exceptions). The first step is to end all contact with the source of the addiction (affair partner, alcohol, whatever) and then to put measures in place which make it very difficult to have access to the substance in the future.

In marriage we do that by agreeing to accountability and honesty, as well as by removing the conditions that allowed the addiction to occur in the first place. In an affair that would be avoiding situations where the affair partner might be and even going so far as to find another job or move to another city.

Now, sexual addiction is a little different in that it's more about the thrill of sex and less about the person it's with. And of course we can't remove a person's sexuality.  In those instances I find that a 12 step program along with the other precautions is incredibly helpful. Men, who see that they are not the only ones feeling possessed and driven by these thoughts and fantasies and who see that others are well on the road to recovery can do tremendous healing work in those groups.

Having said that, I recognize that not everyone is a "group" person. I've had good success with men who aren't in a group simply by working with them on their issues one at a time. I know of several marriages that are in recovery and thriving and where the husband is an addict.

One site that you might find very helpful is Patrick Carnes' site: www.sexhelp.com . Carnes is probably the foremost authority on sexual addiction in the world. He did the groundbreaking work in that field at a time when sexual addiction was not being recognized in the recovery industry.

In your favor, it sounds as though your husband is truly interested in repairing and restoring your marriage. With the right steps I see no reason why you can't have another 34 years together in a marriage you've always wanted.

As I said, I've had some good success with couples and individuals recovering from affairs and addiction. If either of you is interested in working with me as a coach I would be happy to work you into my schedule.

All the best!
Penny R. Tupy
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