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Penny,
Help me understand. I have been separated for three months. My wife and I have been going through illness and death in my family. It all started with her dad in the mid 90’s. My died the following year and my mother shortly after that. And finally my father this year.

We separated while my dad was in the hospital. While my dad was sick in the hospital my wife and I went to visit him often. This was so painful. My wife supported my at the wake and funeral because I asked her to be with my family.

It was a strain on us no doubt. We both failed to communicate. I drank too much one night and my wife always says I had a drinking problem. Her dad was an alcoholic. Of course I denied it. I also get angry easily.

I have been going to AA and discovering I do have a problem, I binge. I have quit drinking for life. I'm also going to therapy for my anger and anything else. I'm working hard to change for myself and my marriage.

What I don't understand is that my wife refuses to talk about us, our relationship. I asked her when we could talk. She says I don't know, I ask give me a date. She says she can't. I feel she stringing me along and forcing me to file for divorce. I can't, it's against my belief.

On top of all this my wife hates her job and she goes to school part time. I sure wish I saw this coming. Please any thoughts or ideas

Thank you and God Bless you for helping people.

R

Hi R,
 I'm so sorry to hear about all the tragedies you and your wife have been through the last several years. Those things certainly can have a detrimental effect on your marriage.

Something we seen to grasp so well when we are single and dating is the concept that if we want someone to be with us we need to make it pleasant for them to do so. And then it seems once the vows are said that understanding disappears with right along with the flowers and the champagne. Men and women who went out of their way to be attractive and pleasant to their date are anything but that to their spouses.

That in itself is wearing enough on marriage, and is enough to lead to all kinds of problems including divorce. But add several tragedies and you've got a recipe for disaster.

Why is that? Well, we are hard wired, so to speak, to fall in love with someone who makes us feel good. When someone does things for us, or with us, which we find enjoyable our psyches store that information and then creates a warm fuzzy emotion when we think of that person. It's the way our emotions encourage us to spend time with those who treat us well.

So when you have some neglect going on, plus things that are causing pain such as anger and substance abuse, and THEN you add the trauma and stress of several deaths.... well you can see that being together has turned into something that bears no resemblance to an enjoyable time.

I work quite a bit with men whose wives have either left or are having affairs. I teach them how to eliminate the things that drove her away and to do some things to entice her back. I think you've taken some excellent first steps in addressing the alcohol. The anger and control issues need to be taken care of as well. From there you will need to prove to her that she can trust you not to hurt her in the future. You will need to develop a plan to eliminate those things and some strategies for getting her to spend time with you. I would suggest you check out Willard Harley's books: His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters.

All the best!
Penny R. Tupy
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