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Dear Penny,
Last Christmas I discovered that my husband of 18 years had been having an affair for 6 months. He said he had made a huge mistake, never meant to hurt me, never stopped loving me and wanted to put the marriage back together.

He immediately, but with difficulty ended it in meeting with her and a subsequent phone call. He says, and I believe him, that he has had no further contact with her.

I still love him, and with the help of a registered psychologist, our communication and our relationship have never been better.

The problem is it has been three months and there are still evenings, at least two a week, that I feel he is distant and aloof. When I asked him about this he says he still has feelings for the other women though they are getting fainter and fainter.

My patience is wearing thin and these residual feelings feel like they are adding insult to my already horrendous injury.

What can I do? What should I do?
N

Hi N,
It's normal for that withdrawal period to last up to 6 months. So if you found out at Christmas and the affair ended some time after that I would say things are proceeding pretty normally in terms of time.

Some things which are important to keep in mind regarding recovery following infidelity. The first step which cannot be over looked, is ending the affair AND agreeing to never contact the affair partner again. Without that condition, your marriage really won't ever recover. For some couples that means a change of jobs, or even a move to a new city. I realize those are big steps, but nothing is as important to your future health, stability, or security as the health of your marriage.

One of the things couples need to do following an affair is to make sure that it's very difficult for the wayward mate to have contact with the lover. Changing cell phone numbers, pager numbers, home numbers, email accounts...and then sharing all the passwords and information about those things is very necessary. That along with rigorous honesty and being accountable for time will go along way towards eliminating the conditions that make it possible for an affair to occur.

Once his withdrawal begins to lessen, you should be talking about what it is each of you needs to be fulfilled in the marriage as well as what things are hurtful for either of you. I would strongly recommend you get the book Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. If you work through it together one chapter at a time, I think your marriage will recover nicely.

I know the idea that your spouse has feelings for someone else is terribly painful. On time, with a good solid recovery plan, not only will those feelings fade, but you will feel better, safer, and more cherished.

Please do let me know if there are other questions I can answer for you.

All the best!!
Penny R. Tupy