• Home




• Get Help >

  • Hire Penny Today
  • Coaching Center
  • Bulletin Board
  • SYMC Girls' Night Out
  • Email Inter- mediary Services
  • Mentor Services



• Get
  Informed >

  • Infidelity Center
  • Statistics
  • Research
  • Success Stories
  • Articles
  • Musings
  • Blogs
  • Links and Resources
  • Q/A
  • Infidelity Tips
  • Media Kit



• Get
  Educated >

  • School of Coaching
  • Infidelity Series
  • Email Intermediary Training
  • Moderator Training
  • Mentor Training
  • Bookstore
  • SYMC Speakers' Bureau



• Get Active >

  • Calendar of Events
  • Marriage Fidelity Day
  • School of Coaching
  • SYMC Chapters
  • Volunteer



• Get Stuff >

  • Bookstore
  • Affiliates
  • SYMC Stuff
  • Shopping Cart



• About SYMC >

  • Company History
  • Penny's Bio
  • Board of Advisors' Bios
  • Additional Bios
  • Contact Us
  • Press & Media



• Expand the Village - Tell a Friend




• Glossary




• Site Map




• Search




• Privacy Policy

Honesty Assignment Part II

The Change Request

© Penny R. Tupy 2004

So you've trained your brain and your mouth to work together and you are now able to speak the ever so difficult honesty statement that I assign to all my clients very early in our work together. "Honey, I'm feeling <insert feeling word> about <insert current situation in your life.>" And more importantly you are able to leave it at that, change the subject and move on without an argument even appearing on the distant horizon. Your mate is able to hear what you say and, on good days, to thank you for sharing what's going on with you. You've created the space for a calm exchange of information where awareness of the dynamics of each other's choices can come to the fore.

Great! That's working toward transparent honesty. But, nothing is changing.

Now what?

Learning to be honest in a way that is open, calm, courteous, and respectful is the first step to effecting real change in marriage. It takes away the smoke screen of conflict avoidance. Speaking only about oneself and one's feelings (as opposed to giving opinions) removes much of the need for defensiveness on the part of the hearer. Changing the subject and moving on with only the exchange of information allows both parties time to process. It slows down the reaction times and forces a level of calm. It does not however ask for or address changes in order to deal with the issues raised. That's the step we're going to talk about here.

When I first started coaching couples I tried to have them be honest and ask for change in one step. I failed miserably. What I didn't realize then, that I do now, and that I want you to understand is that it is vitally important to create the atmosphere of calm and courtesy for exchanging information. Just that, nothing more. When I tried to have couples talk about how they felt and, at the same time, ask for change things rapidly degenerated into an argument. So, if you have not read and practiced the information in the Honesty Assignment I would encourage you to go there now and work on that skill until you can do it comfortably. If you have already become familiar and skilled with the first step, let's get to work on the second.

Conflict is unavoidable. It's not the fact that there is conflict in marriage that's the problem; it's what we do with that conflict. Extraordinary marriages are filled with conflict. They are also relationships where the people involved put the health of the relationship ahead of their immediate gratification - understanding that their long term happiness is tied to successful conflict resolution. The key ingredient here is so simple it's easy to miss.

Conflict is any issue that creates friction and comes between the people in the marriage. Protecting the marriage (and therefore one's own happiness) involves working as a team to address whatever the conflict may be.

The statement which follows the honesty statement and which asks for change is this:
"This is causing problems for us as a couple what can we do about it?"

That's it ~ so simple it seems impossible to believe. Although it's certainly desirable to have both partners on the same page when it comes to being honest and seeking solutions, one partner can make a tremendous difference in the marriage by taking these steps.

The change request is open ended. It asks for input from the partner rather than immediately pushing one's own agenda or solution. It specifically asks, "What can WE do about it?" in order to emphasize the team aspect. And, of course, it is cooperative in scope and in no way judgmental or condemning.

Best case scenario ~ your spouse recognizes there is a problem, suggests a solution, you agree or offer a counter proposal, reach an agreement ~ and life goes on with ease.

Wouldn't it be nice if it were always that way? What about the snags along the way? Here's some of the speed bumps that might get in the way.

Your mate replies that s/he has no idea what to do about the issue at hand.
This is the point at which you can offer your suggestions for how to solve the problem. Your suggestions should take into account what you know about your partner's likes and dislikes. In other words ~ craft a solution that will appeal to your spouse as well as working for you. Successful marriage requires that you hone your negotiating skills. This is where they come out to play.

Your spouse gets defensive.
Possibly you've presented something in a less than calm and cooperative fashion. But even the most diplomatically worded honesty statement and change request can evoke a defensive response. None of us enjoys hearing that we're doing something that someone else isn't thrilled about. Assure your spouse that this is not about a failing on his/her part, and that it is only your reaction to a situation. And (AND, not BUT!) youíd like his/her help in keeping it from creating friction between the two of you.

If s/he is still defensive thank your spouse for listening and change the subject. Bring it up again in a day or so. DO NOT AVOID THE ISSUE. Your job is to hone your honesty and negotiating skills. None of us likes conflict, confronting it is necessary to having a good marriage. If your spouse continues to refuse to address the issue discuss honestly how you feel about that. ("I'm concerned that I've raised x issue as a problem and have not been able to discuss it. It's coming between us, any thoughts on how we can address that?")

You're certain you know how your mate will react, and it won't be in your favor.
You might be right. But, unless you have a crystal ball, you don't know. To assume you do is disrespectful. Until you go through the process several times you have no way to know what kind of a difference calm, respectful honesty and a corresponding request for change can make. If you have followed these instructions to the letter over a period of time with no input and no cooperation then we need to discuss other alternatives.

You're afraid s/he will get angry and a fight will start.
Your mate may indeed become angry. You can't prevent that from happening. You can do a good job of presenting your issue in a way that is calm and courteous and only about your feelings ~ and sometimes people still get upset. The issue here is not how s/he reacts, it's about your fear of conflict.

When you took your marriage vows you entered into a covenant with the marriage itself ~ you created a relationship which you are now bound to protect. Sometimes protecting the marriage means doing something that upsets your spouse. No, I don't mean the pop psychology idea of living independently in order to be "self fulfilled" ~ I mean putting the health and well being of the marriage ahead of your comfort level and that of your spouse. Often times protecting the marriage means addressing things head on when doing so will upset one or both of you.

We already talk about these things and nothing changes.
Most people tell me they never avoid conflict and they always address issues. But when I question them closely I find that what they are really saying is that they have frequent arguments about things that never get resolved. Let me say this very pointedly ~ arguments and fights are a great strategy for avoiding conflict. Rather than addressing an issue in a way that is about you and that leads to resolution, arguments and fights keep the focus on your partner and what s/he is doing wrong. If you are pointing out your spouse's mistakes then you cannot reach a resolution.

This process of being honest about how you feel ~ in one or two sentences - and asking for change feels very neutral and matter of fact when done correctly. Recently a client said to me, "Seems kind of wimpy." Yes! That's what I want. If you've built up a head of self righteous steam and whole lot of arguments about why things have to change you are doing it wrong. If it seems as if there's more energy in asking your partner to pass the salt ~ you're on the right track.

The Honesty Statement ~
"I feel <insert feeling word> about <insert situation>."

The Change Request ~
"This issue is causing friction for us as a couple, what can we do to make it better?"

Some Real Life Examples ~
"I'm uncomfortable with the idea of after work gatherings that don't include me. Any thoughts on how we can address that so it doesn't cause problems for us as a couple?"

"I'm unhappy with how we divide household chores. What can we do to keep this from coming between us?"

"I'm really lonely when you work on weekends. What could we do differently so we don't drift apart?"

"I'm resentful of the time you spend at work. I feel left out. Can we talk about ways to address this?"