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Infidelity - How it Happens 

The most practical and down to earth guide available for what to do when your spouse is having an affair.
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Fateful Words 

Time after time I have someone call me in a panic because their spouse has said, "I'm no longer in love with you." My first thought and my initial exploration is "If they're not in love with you, then who are they in love with? Who is the other man or woman?" I ask questions about who the spouse is spending time with, talking about, talking to, and so on. I suggest that it's likely there is an emotional affair taking place and perhaps a physical affair has developed.
 
Almost without fail I hear, "Oh no, I know such and such, she/he's a good friend (coworker, colleague, church member etc.) they'd never do that to me."  And almost without fail, I am eventually found to be correct. I''d like to be wrong. I pray that I'm wrong. But I don't think I've ever been wrongly suspicious.
 

Friends and Coworkers Pose the Greatest Threat to Fidelity 

Affairs almost always occur between friends and coworkers. These are the people that have the greatest chance to create the conditions for love and passion to flourish. If youve read my earlier newsletters you'll remember that they dealt extensively with those conditions. Time, honesty, creating compatibility, romance. The elements that make up a fabulous marriage are the same elements that go into breeding an affair.

Love takes time. In these hectic days we spend more time with our coworkers than we do with our families. Sometimes it even seems that we spend more time with our children's sports coaches than we do with our families! And it is in that time spent together that affairs find a place to take root. It begins with a conversation, laughter, shared experiences and shared fun.

Men and women who have grown apart from their partners suddenly realize how good it feels to connect with another human being. They lap up the attention, the conversation, the camaraderie, the admiring exchanges, the way a hungry animal consumes a meal left in its path.

At first it is entirely innocent. It is nothing more than a conversation that leaves us with a good impression of the person we shared it with. It is when we have not maintained the proper boundaries on outside relationships, and one conversation turns into a regular event, followed by coffee, lunch and deepening feelings that the trouble becomes apparent. From here it is a short step to declarations of those feelings and to moving beyond an emotional attachment to a full blown physical affair.
 

Conversation = Connection = Romantic Interest 

It is impossible to overestimate the role conversation plays in this drama. And by that I don't mean the regular daily conversations we have with coworkers about the status of a project or the new sales report. No, I mean intimate conversation about the things in our lives that we hold dear. Our children, our spiritual path, our political passions, our views on the world, the topics that get our attention and raise our inner energies.
 
 Although conversation is thought of as a woman's need (yes, we've all heard the jokes and the statistics) it is within intimate conversation that the seeds for creating other conditions of love and passion lie. It is within conversation that we show our respect and admiration for others. It is within the context of conversation that almost all flirting occurs and that sexual innuendo is at its best. It is within conversation that we explore each other as unique individuals and it is within conversation that we make our plans to take that exploration further. It is with words that we express our feelings for another person. Words have power, and in relationships between men and women, that power can create passion.

Men typically deny a strong need for conversation. Most don't seem to have an inner drive to talk the way women do. (Yesterday I heard a statistic on the radio that said men speak 2000 words a day on average, and women speak an amazing 7000.) And yet, it is safe to say that without conversation many of men's intimate needs go unmet. The statistics tell us that men are still more likely to be unfaithful in their marriages than women. It's tempting to simply chalk that up to a greater need for sex or sexual excitement, but the women I talk to whose husbands are having affairs tell me differently. They tell me their husbands are wildly in love with women who spend time talking to and listening to them. They crave the connection and the validation that conversation offers. It is the good feelings generated by those needs being met in conversation: admiration, respect, attention, a feeling of importance, that lead to the next step, that of physical intimacy. Conversation is an aphrodisiac; it is a form of foreplay.

Affairs Begin With Time and Attentiveness.

* A look that says "I find you interesting."
* Conversation about shared experiences that deepens connection
* Emotional intensity around work or play
* More time together than with spouse
* Curiosity, acceptance, enjoyment
* Lack of everyday conflicts such as bills, pets, and children
 
The slide from friendship to affair can be almost imperceptible until it's too late.
 
Affairs can and do happen even in happy marriages. But they are most likely to happen when partners have grown apart, lead individual lives, or when the marriage has been neglected in favor of other pursuits. It is in the gap left by that neglect that the attention of a friend or coworker has the potential to turn a relationship into more than "just friends".
 

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The small print 

©Penny R. Tupy 2003, 2006
Penny is a professional marriage coach specializing in infidelity addiction and abuse. For one on one assistance in implementing these concepts and techniques or for other marital help she can be reached at penny /dot/ tupy /at/ symcinc.com or at 651.775.8302
Reprints of this article are permitted with the inclusion of the copyright, bio, and URL - http://symcinc.com/getinformed/articles/infhowithappens.html








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