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Just a Coach

© Penny R. Tupy July 2004

A couple of weeks ago I attended the 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference in Dallas. There were over 2000 attendees and some of the biggest names in the marriage community presented keynote addresses. There were more than 100 workshop presenters - I was one of them. This is billed as the "most important gathering on marriage in the world," by one of the keynote presenters.

One of the extracurricular things going on during the conference was a conversation about a document created by some of the self proclaimed leaders of the marriage movement. This document seeks to define what the marriage movement is, who comprises it, and what the goals are for the next several years. The graphic used to portray the "who we are" part completely left out coaches and coaching. We were not mentioned in any capacity and there was no other title within the model that fit what we do.

The leaders of the discussion invited us to go around our individual tables and share with each other where we fit in the graphic provided. I mentioned that I fit the "visionary" and "activist" pieces but that my primary role - that of "coach" was not part of the picture and needed to be included - as there are many of us in the marriage/relationship community and our numbers are growing.

The woman next to me said, "So are you a therapist?" "I'm a professional marriage coach, I replied." "Oh..... you're just a coach....."

My eyebrows must have shot up to my hairline - and she immediately started to stammer that she, 'didn't mean "just" but that she meant........' but she couldn't finish and she looked away.

So it got me to thinking about how we as a coaching community are perceived by other professionals within the communities we work ~ for me it's marriage, but it could be business, career, parenting, fitness, personal development, or any number of places where coaches interact with clients to bring a larger vision of life into being.

Dave Buck, in his teleclass call with Ellen Britt on July 8th, talked about the three areas of balance that must be achieved if we are to move into our own greatness and guide others to finding it for themselves. Those three areas are intellect, physical feelings, and connection to spirit. In addition he talked about the need and desire of all humans to enter into deep conversations and that if we are addressing the antithesis of greatness within our own lives we can then address it in the lives of our clients through deep conversation ~ expanding their awareness and assisting then to step into their own greatness. What are those things that are the antithesis of greatness? Dave tells us that they are isolation, overwhelmedness, and frustration.

Well, I definitely felt isolated as I sat at that table and heard someone suggest I was, 'just' a 'coach'. It frustrates me and to a certain extent and I am overwhelmed with the magnitude of the task of moving coaching for marriages in crisis into a place of profound credibility and acceptance. But because I am a coach, and I believe a masterful one, I spent some time playing with this event and the resulting boat rocking that went on in my mind and I looked at it as an opportunity to expand my vision, to play larger in my chosen field.

First and foremost, I know that my work has deep meaning to my clients. I strongly agree with Dave's vision that coaching is a sophisticated form of teaching which relies on expertise and wisdom to expand awareness and build new environments. I've been bucking the standard coaching model and doing as Dave suggests my entire career. I have the certainty that my work is not only helpful but that it reaches a need that is not being met by the therapeutic model. Without this level of expertise and certainty the rest, the isolation, frustration, and overwhelmedness is not addressable. With that certainty they are ~ here's what happened the rest of the week.

Isolation and frustration ~ I walked around the exhibit hall at the conference and saw at least four booths that promoted coaching for marriage in one format or another. It's not that we aren't represented, it's that we're not interacting in a way that demands recognition and credibility. We're not living in our own greatness and speaking out about who and what we are and why we believe so passionately in the work we do. Throughout the four days we were there my students and I engaged in many many deeply provocative conversations with therapists from all over the US as well as other countries about how a coaching model can and does work to address some of the most difficult issues couples face. We met with interest and validation, and respect. We do some things that therapists don't do and we have great success. The frustration of being called 'just' a 'coach' began to melt. It's a bias rooted in ignorance and only we, as confident, certain coaches with strong expertise, can dispel that ignorance. No one else is going to do it for us.

Overwhelmed ~ As we had these conversations with counselors and therapists we invited each of them to join us in our work for marriage and families. The motto of my organization, Save Your Marriage Central (SYMC) is: It takes a village to save a marriage. We look at the work we do as a holistic practice that relies on coaches, mentors, and other support systems to help a couple heal their relationship following deep trauma. We invited each person we spoke with to partner with us, not only on our advocacy activities currently in the works but, in an exchange of ideas and thoughts about how to best help our clients. Where do we overlap, where do we diverge, and how can we best work together?

It is my belief that if we are going to move coaching forward in our culture we need to create these kinds of partnerships. We need to be certain enough in our expertise, confident enough in the value we bring, and living deeply in our own greatness to step forward with power and gentleness to reach out to other professionals in our chosen fields. I imagine a time when physicians and therapists, teachers and CEO's will rely on coaches as an integral part of the team that moves human development and the evolution of the planet forward. Faster than it would have happened without us.
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