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Unconditional Love vs. Negotiation in Marriage

© Penny R. Tupy 2003

Unconditional love. Although that phrase is used too freely in the counseling, and self help arenas, as well as just common chitchat, it really is a misnomer. As humans we are not wired to love unconditionally, with the exception of parents loving their children.

Unconditional love is for the most part defined as loving someone for who they are. And most of us think of that as manifesting in the form of care, doing the things that make another person happy. That could be keeping a clean house, having sex, or avoiding conflict.

The problem with that concept... doing things for a spouse regardless of reciprocation or protection.... is that we each have two sides to our psychological make up. There is the altruistic side that thrives on doing things for others, and there is the side that watches out for our best interests. Willard F. Harley PhD. describes and defines those aspects of our character with incredible clarity and insight in his ground breaking work His Needs Her Needs and in his later books as well.

Our altruistic side sets up and lobbies for doing things for others. This part of our make up cares nothing (and I mean nothing) about us personally, it only cares about others, about making them feel good, about taking care of anyone and everyone. If given the chance to rule exclusively our altruism would rather let us die homeless and abandoned on the street than take care of ourselves at the expense of anyone else.

In this mode we love unconditionally. And if we could sustain this way of thinking, feeling, and interacting it would work just fine. Unconditional love would be possible. (Until we died homeless and abandoned on the street...)

But the human race is not made that way. We also have the opposite and essential balancing aspect of our personalities which cares nothing for others and only for ourselves. Unfortunately this side of us gets a bad rap because it isn't very socially adept. The job of this part of our personality is to make sure we are cared for, safe, and content. This is the part of us that makes sure we don’t die homeless and abandoned on the street because we have given away all that we own. But because our internal self preservation social skills are non existent and because this part of us cares nothing for others it can become the perpetrator of abuse if not kept in check.

So here's what happens. Our altruism as individuals or as a society sends out this message that we need to love and care for others no matter what. Reams of paper have been printed about why this is the way to make a marriage work. In some self help books, counseling programs and in society this is called loving unconditionally.

Begin to dig a little deeper, however, and you will see that it's not so unconditional. In many books, on talk shows, and in counselors’ offices, couples are encouraged to love unconditionally and that doing so will effect change in their partner's feelings, and so change the relationship for the better.

There is nothing unconditional about that statement or expectation. And within that statement you see our self preservation instinct at work. Although the concept is called "unconditional" it's not... there are expectations that we will get something for our efforts. Change of some sort, and eventually something that will be good for us.

That expectation lives in a little corner of our brain in the beginning. But as we give and do more and more without receiving in return it grows bigger and bigger. It gets hungry and it gets angry. It's our need for self preservation waking up.

And when the our internal caretaker wakes up and finds what our altruism has been up to all this time, it whispers, it roars, it teases us with resentment, and it insists on justice. It tells us that we have been doing all these things for someone else, and by golly that person owes us. That person needs to know what we've been doing, and how we've sacrificed to learn what they need, and then have done it for them. That person is obligated to do those things for us because we have done it for them. It advocates doing what ever it takes to be happy, including using abuse to get what we want.

Our self-sacrifice if left unchecked can drive the cycle of abuse. Self giving and self-sacrifice set the stage for making demands on the people around us. If our demands are not met we might be tempted to rationalize the use of stronger measures. Name calling, judgmental statements, and force. We want something in return for the things we have given to others. And the part of us that oversees that we get doesn’t know how to ask politely.

I tend to believe from my personal observations that those with the biggest capacity to give also tend to be those with the biggest capacity to abuse. Life strives for balance, and it only makes sense that the biggest desire to help others will be counter balanced by an internal need to be cared for as well.

Unconditional love is not possible in romantic relationships. When we do things for other people, especially in romantic relationships, which are good for them but sacrificial in any way for us, we set up resentment and the feeling that we are owed something in return. In most areas of our lives many of us do a fairly good job of keeping our internal giving and needing drives balanced. We negotiate job contracts, volunteer responsibilities, time and activities with friends, as well as a multitude of other events giving and taking in a way that for the most part feels fair. But when it comes to love and marriage we seem to lose our ability to use our intelligence to get what we want while giving to our partner.

I base my approach to saving marriage on honesty coupled with making decisions that are good for both partners. I want couples to explore what there is to know about each other, what they need, what they like, what they don't like, what feels good, what hurts and so on. Once couples can learn to exchange that information with courtesy and respect I help them learn to find ways to use what they know to create a lifestyle that makes them both happy…. at the same time.

Getting to that point takes negotiation. Negotiation requires that we come to the table allowing both sides of our hearts and minds to have a say. But the ultimate decision needs to have the stamp of approval from both our self serving side and the self serving of our partner. Only in this way can we get to an agreement that makes both spouses happy at the same time. We are more than our internal instincts to care for others or to seek out what we want. As human beings we have intelligence and the capacity to reason. We can look at both the things we want to have and the things we want give and we can find ways to do both. We can learn to negotiate.

Learning to negotiate takes time and effort. I doubt there are few things we do in life which don’t. And like other essential career and life skills, our ability to move through life and love with ease and grace will be greatly enhanced by taking the time to become good negotiators. Besides, it can be fun and rewarding as well. If you do so the outcome is in your best interest and that of your partner and children as well. So ditch the unconditional love myth and empower yourself and your marriage by learning to negotiate for the things you want and need!
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