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Tips for Negotiation: How to Ask for what You Want WITHOUT Starting a Fight © Penny R. Tupy 2003

Negotiation is a fine art, and acquired skill. It’s not something we come into this world knowing how to do (ever heard a baby negotiate to be fed?) and some of us leave this world never learning even the basics of how negotiation works!

Our instincts tell us that the way to get what we want is to demand it! And if that doesn’t work, then obviously there is something wrong with the other person, and we let them know that in no uncertain terms. And if they still don’t see things our way and do as we desire, we might even have a temper tantrum or find some other way to punish them. It’s the art of getting what we want by terrorizing others.

And, it works. At least in the short term. If we can frighten someone into doing what we want, then we get our way. But do we really? If we push our spouse into doing something for us regardless of how they feel about it, the likely outcome will be resentment on their part. And it’s highly probably that whatever it is you want won’t be repeated voluntarily.

So then if we want to get the things we need in a way that guarantees we won’t destroy our marriage in the process we need a new model. Insisting that we get our way isn’t going to do the trick! In order to successfully protect the marriage and the love you have for each other, you must make all your decisions in a way that is good for both of you at the same time.

Here are some tips for negotiating successfully:

Remember, a successful solution is one that you are both enthusiastic about.

Come to the table determined that the process will be pleasant and safe. Have a smile on your face, and a cooperative spirit in your heart and in your tone of voice. Tell your spouse that you have something you’d like their help solving and ask for their input.

Define the conflict. State what the issue is and HOW YOU FEEL about it. Remember feelings are about YOU. They are not judgments about the other person or their beliefs or ideas. Take turns doing this.

Restate the conflict. Listen with your heart to what your partner is saying. Really try to feel what they are feeling and to see things from their perspective. State back to each other what you heard. Allow each other time to clarify any misconceptions. Take your time!! (And how’s that smile holding up??)

State your suggestion(s) for solving the conflict. This is not a demand, just a suggestion. As in, “I think this might work.” Or, “I’d like to handle it this way.” Take turns doing this. If on this first pass at suggesting solutions, you find there’s one you can both support wholeheartedly, go for it! Agree to revisit the issue within a specified time frame to make sure it is still working for both of you.

Brainstorm other solutions if the first suggestions were not good for both of you. It’s common and expected that the first suggestions you come up with will be good for one of you but not the other. Set those aside, and really think about the things each of you had to say about how you felt regarding this issue. Now, think outside the box! What ideas can you generate that will meet the criteria of being good for both of you at the same time?

Have fun! Brainstorming is a creative effort. It should have some element of silly and ridiculous! Put down every idea that crosses your mind. This stimulates the creative center in the brain and will trigger even more ideas. Avoid any judgment of ideas at this time. We know they won’t all work. The goal is to let your brain do what it does best…. Create! This step could take minutes or it could take weeks. If a solution doesn’t present itself immediately, keep a notebook or piece of paper handy for when ideas come to you. Then get together and discuss those.

Find a solution you agree on wholeheartedly and agree to give it a try. Nothing is set in stone. If you try something and it’s not working for one of you, go back and use this process again.

Remember that negotiating is a tool for solving conflicts in your marriage. It is the only method that ensures the decisions you make will not destroy the love you have for each other. Negotiation must be pleasant and safe. If at any time in the process you find that your emotions are getting out of control, ask to take a break. Come back to it later when you are calm and able to be courteous and pleasant.