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November 2002 eNewsletter

Love Takes Time

The alarm goes off and you hit the snooze one last time, until finally you begin the day five minutes behind schedule. At 5:45 am. In the dark.

Your spouse dashes out the door as you wrangle with lunches and backpacks, assignment notebooks and breakfast.

At work you send a quick email to your spouse that discusses the vehicle maintenance and your need to work late one night this week.

After a full day at work, you spend the evening shuffling Johnny to basketball practice, and Sandy to soccer. Dinner is a McMystery Meal and a Coke, half of which ends up under the seat of the van when you stop suddenly at a yellow light.

At 9pm your 7th grader informs you of a homework project that is due tomorrow, and you need craft supplies from the only store that is open 24 hours in order to complete it. The store is 15 miles from home. One way.

By 11pm you are too exhausted to brush your teeth, and sex is definitely not on the menu of options for the remaining seconds you are allegedly awake.

And now that you mention it, who is that person in bed next to you, anyway? Someone you vaguely recognize as the person you promised to love, honor, and cherish… If only there was time.

Aging parents, community organizations, volunteer activities, friends, and solo recreations are just a few of the myriad demands on your time.

Does this sound like your life? If it does, you’re not alone. Our days are hectic and chaotic and the demands on our time never seem to end. It becomes second nature to put off or ignore the important in favor of the urgent. We believe, erroneously, that “someday” we’ll have the time to spend long hours with our spouses, conversing, laughing, having a great sex life.

But just like vehicle maintenance, dentist appointments, and soccer tournaments, without a commitment to scheduling time with our spouse, it will never “just happen.”

Spouses need time together, free of distractions, to reconnect emotionally. Without that time the relationship inevitably becomes simply a convenient partnership for parenting and financial security. Without time together every week, giving each other your full attention the feelings of love and attraction will eventually ware. And make no mistake about it, if you are in the process of rebuilding your marriage after having lost those feelings, your efforts will not succeed unless you include time together in your plan.

How much time are we talking about? Dinner out once a month? With maybe an extra hour tossed in for anniversaries, holidays, and birthdays?

Before I answer that, let me pose this question: Think back to your dating days. Would you have been likely to fall in love with and marry someone with only a dinner date once a month as your time together? Or would you have been more likely to fall for the one you spent time with every day, sharing your feelings and dreams, laughing, going out, connecting to?

It’s safe to say that the person who won your love would be the one with the opportunity to share good times with you. That dynamic doesn’t change simply because there’s a ring on your left hand. In fact, as the stresses of adding family and career to the mix multiply, it becomes more and more important that couples nourish their love by spending time together.

For marriages that are flourishing, and wish to remain so, a minimum of fifteen hours per week is needed. For those that are struggling with recovering from infidelity, or the loss of feelings of love and connectedness, you should be scheduling 20 hours or more per week.

I can see the panic and disbelief in your eyes as I write this. “Fifteen hours a week??? Where am I supposed to get that? Give up sleeping?” Well, you’re right about needing to give up something . If your schedule is as full as most adults in our time, something will need to go in order to make room for partner time.

I want to challenge you to put aside those feelings of impossibility for a moment, and think in purely selfish terms. Which of the activities that is consuming your time, is as important to the overall health and wellbeing of you, your family, your finances, and your future security, as is the state of your marriage? A little research will soon turn up the answer: an unequivocal, none. In the long run, it is far and away in your best interest to spend your valuable time with your mate, building and preserving love and intimacy in your marriage.

As I said earlier, that isn’t going to happen without planning and scheduling. I can almost guarantee that it will be frustrating and difficult at the front end, as you rearrange your life. I’ve learned that being able to say, “No,” to the many requests for my time is an invaluable skill. Removing yourself graciously from current commitments will take dedicated effort. If you hold the thought that all choices require us to give up one thing in favor of another, you will find that it becomes increasingly easier to make the choice in favor of your marriage.

Now that you’ve set aside time to be together, you find that you haven’t a clue what to do. It’s been so long since you had more than five minutes to spend together, uninterrupted, that you’re at a loss. Don’t worry, that’s a normal reaction to change. At first it will seem awkward, uncomfortable and you might be experiencing feelings of guilt thinking about the things you aren’t doing that you did in the past. As you and your spouse relearn what it takes to have fun together, you’ll soon be looking forward to this time as the best part of your day.

How do we get there from where we are? Let’s assume that you’ve convinced your partner of the need to spend time together, and it’s now time to plan your first outing. No, kids, no friends, no relatives, just the two of you. And you’re having visions of two hours at a restaurant staring at the table cloth with nothing to say.

Well, I can’t promise there won’t be some of that, but I can suggest some ways to circumvent it. First, put aside any residual misgivings and resentment, and put on an attitude of good sportsmanship. Plan to have a good time. Next, think of five things you know your mate would enjoy discussing, and be ready to chat about those with energy and interest. Next, be ready with five topics that you love, and intersperse those throughout the conversation.

Come to the date with the goal of making sure your partner has a great time, and be a good sport about achieving that goal. Try to choose topics that both of you are knowledgeable about and interested in, but don’t be afraid to bring up the subjects that energize you as well.

On this first outing, one of your primary goals should be (besides having a great time) planning ahead. If I could convince all the couples I work with to go out for dinner or coffee one night a week and plan their fifteen to twenty hours together for the next week, my job of helping them restore their marriages would be much easier.

Bring your calendars and your day planners, or your PDAs. Make your marriage and the time you spend together your number one priority as you schedule the events in your life. Your future happiness and wellbeing depend on it.

Penny’s Thoughts

Time. Where does it go? Here it is the beginning of November already, and time for the next installment of the Newsletter. I thought I had all the time in the world to prepare, and yet I find myself caught at the last minute; writing about, time.

I’ve given the subject much thought over the last four weeks. From many viewpoints.

The death of two elderly relatives this past month gave me reason to ponder our time here on the planet. My great-aunt was 88. She was married for 57 years to the same man who cared for her through her last illness and into her final moments. That says a lot about commitment, and about time.

My grandmother passed to the other side just this week. Her final years were lost in the haze of Alzheimer's. Her conversations centered around earlier times in her life. Time with her husband and children. The vibrant, busy, hectic times of her life. Not unlike where you and I find ourselves today.

Two funerals in two weeks took a big chunk of my own time. I found myself struggling to keep up with commitments and plans. And like most couples I know and work with, the time with my spouse took the first hit.

Which brings us to the topic of the day. Time in marriage. After honesty, almost nothing is more important to cultivating and maintaining an intimate romantic relationship with your spouse.

Without time together we lose that feeling of connectedness. The feeling of being two united in life, facing the challenges that the world throws our way.

So this month we’ll look at how much time we should spend with our spouse, what kinds of things we should do with that time, and some suggestions for carving time out of schedules that are already bursting at the seams.

So take some time out of your day, sit back and enjoy the read.

Wishing you and yours a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Penny

How to Make your Time Together the BEST Time of Your Week

So you’ve taken out the calendars and put your fifteen hours in.. In ink… and you’re all set. But before you rush out the door, here’s a few suggestions to jump start your time.

Men Women need affection. We need to know that you love and care for us. With that in mind:
Bring flowers once in a while, not on every date… but occasionally.
Touch her arm, hold her hand, open the doors for her. Sure it feels awkward at first, so did your job on the first day… keep at it and it’ll be old hat.
Focus on her when she talks, make good eye contact. Avoid looking around the room, (or at the TV!!!)
Ask leading questions about her day, and her interests. Don’t know what her interests are? Check out the books next to her favorite chair for clues.
Even better, read a few pages and be ready to let her fill you in on what else it says.
Send an email or leave a note earlier in the day that says you can’t wait to have her all to yourself for a few hours…. But leave out any sexual innuendo.
Send an e-greeting or buy a card the next day thanking her for an enjoyable evening. Be sure she knows that you’re looking forward to going out again.

Women Men are visual, and they crave your companionship at recreation. What man doesn’t fantasize about a beautiful woman on his arm at his favorite event? So, we can’t be a super models (and really who would want to?) but we can:
Primp!! Go to your favorite department store and hang out in the makeup section. Buy (and use!) something fun and flirty.
Try something new and sexy with your hair. A little color, dig out that curling iron and put it to use.
Dress up. Do you know what he’d like to see you in? Even if it’s not “you” I’m sure there’s some way you can incorporate a little of that into your outfit. (You can do it, after all, I told the men to check out your fav books)
Try out some place he’d love to go. I’m not suggesting you suffer through a football game it you are bored silly, but is there another sport or activity you could sample?
Be a good sport. Go with the attitude that you’re going to have a great time, AND you’re going to be fun to be around.
Be sure to thank him for the efforts he’s made to make your time enjoyable. Let him know that you appreciate his care and attention. And that it makes you feel good.

You’re not obligated to be ready for sex when the date is over . But if you think that it would be a great time for you as well as your husband, then it becomes one of the best ways to reinforce the habit of spending time together. Icing on the cake, so to speak.

Remember, if you’ve lost the connection and the intimacy that was there in your dating days, it will feel awkward at first to be spending fifteen or more hours alone with your spouse. As you both work at finding ways to make sure that the other person has a great experience, that time together will become more and more enjoyable for each of you.

Take out your planners, schedule the time, put in the prep work and the hours. I guarantee that if you follow these suggestions for three months the improvement in your marriage will be well worth the effort.

Romancing YOUR Marriage™

Workshops are available for your group or organization in Minnesota and Western Wisconsin. For more information call 877.416.2657

Thanksgiving Peril

Ahhh Thanksgiving…. The time of year when families come from far and near (over the river and through the woods) to gather in fellowship and love. Uh huh. Right. And if you buy that, I have a little land I’d like to show you…

The holidays are hard. There’s conflicts about where to go, whom to visit, what to eat, and what to drink. She can’t stand his uncle who hits the bottle before the turkey even gets to the oven, and he gets irritable just thinking about sister Wendy’s little dog Fifi who travels everywhere with her and has a propensity for chewing anything and everything.

Not to mention the issue of who does the cooking, the cleaning, the cleaning up, and who gets control of the remote and the TV. Toss in some step family issues, like delivering and picking up children while trying to juggle the schedule and the menu. Sound a little more like reality? I thought so.

What’s a couple to do if they want to create or preserve feelings of love in their marriage? First each of you will need to recognize a very important truth about love and marriage. Everything you do has an effect on how your spouse feels. And more importantly, how he or she feels about you.

If you want to continue to be in love, or if you are in the process of restoring your marriage you’ll need to keep this truth in the forefront of your mind as you make decisions about how to spend the upcoming holiday.

I suggest that you put all plans on hold. On your date night this week (you do have one planned, don’t you?) ask your spouse what a really wonderful Thanksgiving would look like from his/her viewpoint. No need to get upset if it differs radically from your dream holiday. Remove the emotion. Just listen, Ask questions that foster greater understanding of what it is your mate would like, and why. Then be sure to thank your partner for sharing, and ask if you could do the same.

Talk about the things that would make the day memorable for you. Avoid comparing or making judgements about your differences. Keep it about you. Be sure to include why those things are important for you, and how that came about.

Are there goals and dreams that you share? Make sure those go at the top of your list of ideas for the day. What about the things you disagree on? Can you discuss ways that those things could be fun with a little tweaking? If not, take them off the list of possibilities.

Now, comes the fun part. Be creative. Play with ideas of what you could do that both of you would find enjoyable. Here’s some of mine:
Volunteer as a family at a homeless shelter. Or invite a woman and her children from the battered women’s shelter to share your day.
Invite everyone you know and love, and ask them to come as Pilgrims or Indians carrying a dish to share.
Have a picnic instead of a huge feast. Turkey sandwiches and potato salad, with wine for the adults and Koolaid for the kids.
Make reservations at a family friendly restaurant and forget about the cooking and cleaning.
Take the kids to the local YMCA. Work off the dressing and pie playing a little basketball and jumping into the pool.

Be creative. Be silly. Have fun. The more you laugh, the better the ideas that you’ll generate, and the more likely you are to find a solution you both love.

If you just can’t come up with something, it’s ok. Take a break, move onto another fun topic. Sleep on it. Creativity works while your mind is occupied with other pursuits.

If you make a commitment to doing only that which you can both endorse with enthusiasm not only will the day be one filled with fond memories (as opposed to a resentments over a chewed up tennis racquet) but you will have made an huge impact on the health of your marriage.

Learning to make all your decisions by understanding and taking your mate’s feelings into account can be a difficult process to master. Like any new behavior it takes a little practice. Once you have it, it’s a skill that lends itself to a lot of fun in your marriage, as well as a being a wonderful tool for exploring what makes him or her tick.

Kid’s Corner … Dads Encouraged to Come in and Play

Families these days come in all shapes and sizes. There are nuclear families, step families, single parent families, and families that fall all along that spectrum.

But one thing that stands out in all these families is that kids need parents. Two parents if possible. Or better said, two adults who take their needs and concerns to heart, and who are there for them. Who support , care for, and protect them.

Beyond that, moms need a partner in parenting. Women crave an involved male influence and helpmate in the rearing of their children. Emphasis on the involved.

Some of the things that we’ve all heard that contribute to healthy families is the idea of spending time together. Mom, dad, children, participating in activities that foster the values we want to impart. Family dinner time is one of the greatest opportunities for that.

Above and beyond spending time together as a family unit, men can show their care for their wives by taking time to do things with the children.

Some ideas that come to mind are: riding bikes, taking walks, helping the little ones with their chores, reading stories, taking them on outings, assisting with sports and scout activities, playing board games, watching movies, and just plain talking to them about their day.

Yes, what I’m suggesting takes time. It is the topic of the month after all. I can think of nothing that ranks higher in importance, and therefore in priority, than the strength of the marriage and the development of our children. These things create the foundation for the future of our world. Not to mention our personal happiness.

It may be that the bowling league, the office, and the Rotary Club need to learn to get along without you, as you look at your schedules and rearrange your priorities. Will you miss the activities you give up in order to have time for your spouse and family. Certainly,…….at first.

As a coach who talks every week with men and women who have lost their spouse and children, I can safely say that what you gain in return will be far greater.

Dads and stepdads, the payoff in terms of how your wife feels about you, and the relationship you develop with your children far outweighs any improvement in your golf score. Try it, you might like it!

Ask the Coach: From My Files

Hi Penny,
My spouse has been spending a lot of time with a coworker, of the opposite sex, recently. He says they are just friends, and have much work related information that needs to be discussed. I’m worried about where this might lead to in the future, but I feel like I should trust him. DB

Dear DB:
You certainly are right to be worried. You don’t say if this time together is being spent in a work situation, or in a more personal setting. Either can be cause for concern, but we might look at each one a little differently.

First let’s talk about trust, and your right to feel alarmed. Trust (which will be a newsletter topic early in 2003) must be based on knowledge. Blind trust of a company, government, or spouse, without full information isn’t really trust at all. It’s simply a calm born out of ignorance. Trust comes of knowing all the ins and outs of a situation, and understanding that your interests are safe.

In marriage, everything you do, and conversely, everything your spouse does, affects how you feel about each other. And how you feel about the marriage. If either of you is doing something that the other one finds offensive or painful, you certainly have the right to ask your mate to discontinue that behavior.

It would be good to know how and where this time is being spent. From the tone of your letter, it sounds like it might be out of the office and not strictly business related. Honesty is, as always, where you need to begin.

As soon as possible, find a minute where you and your husband are both relaxed, and express your concern. Be sure to express your feelings in a way that talks about you. So, rather than saying, ‘I think you are getting too involved with ____.” It would be better to say, “I’m worried about what is happening. I wonder if you could share your thoughts on the subject.”

Be a good listener. No matter what he tells you, thank him for discussing it with you.

Emotional affairs are real. And they happen all the time between co-workers. If you feel that you can talk about this with your husband without the conversation turning into an argument, I would do so. Again express your concern, and ask that he limit his time with this person to necessary work related time only. At the office. If he becomes defensive about the relationship, I think you might have more cause for alarm. Keep me posted and we can talk about what the next steps are, based on what your conversations reveal.

Best to you,
Penny

Other Resources:

eNewsletters:
Oct 2002/ Honesty
Nov 2002 / Time
Dec 2002 / Compatibility
Jan 2003 / Romance
Mar 2003 / Infidelity Part I Discovery and Dynamics
Apr 2003 / Infidelity Part II Exposing, Confronting, Separating
May 2003 / Infidelity Part III Recovery
Sep 2003 / Conversation
Oct 2003 / Internal Shift
Jan 2004 / Volunteer
Feb 2004 / Infidelity Overview

Infidelity Resources:
www.symcinc.com
www.dearpeggy.com
www.marrriagebuilders.com
www.shirleyglass.com
www.sexhelp.com (Sexual addiction information)

Not Just Friends Shirley Glass 2003
Surviving An Affair Willard F. Harley Jr. PhD 1998 Revel
In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Online Compulsive Sexual Behavior Patrick Carnes et al Hazelden

If you would like one on one assistance in implementing these concepts into your marriage call me at 1.877.416.2657

Check out the Coaching Center

Be sure to visit www.symcinc.com for archived copies of the eNewsletter. Changes and additions to the site taking place as you read this!!!

Did You Know?

Infidelity affects an estimated 80% of marriages in the US?

That statistic comes from Peggy Vaughn, author of The Monogamy Myth, in 1989. I suspect that given the passage of time, those numbers are even higher today.

What that means in terms of day to day life, if you are at a gathering with 10 other couples, 8 of those will be struggling with infidelity in their marriage.

Most marriages do not end in divorce because of an affair. Rather they end in divorce when the conditions which led to the affair in the first place are not addressed.

Need Help Now?

If you are dealing with infidelity in your marriage, or if you suspect that your partner may be having an affair, I can help you find your way back to a healthy marriage. Call me at 1.877.416.2657

Free follow up phone coaching session with paid initial consult

© Penny R. Tupy, Marriage and Relationship Coach
November 2002

Your feedback always welcome and encouraged!!! Thanks for reading. PRT
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