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January 2003 eNewsletter

Romance

© Penny R. Tupy Marriage and Relationship Coach

Please forward this to your married and soon to be married friends and family!!

Happy New Year and welcome to our first issue of SYMC’s eNewsletter for the year 2003!

As you can see, shorter, sweeter, cleaner and sent to you inline! Your feedback is heard and adjustments are made!! You make a difference.

January is traditionally the month with the greatest number of divorce filings. I think a lot of things contribute to that, the stress of the holidays, fewer recreational activities available, and a need to make a new start and feel as if one is in charge of her own destiny. I say her destiny because traditionally far more than half of those filing for divorce are women.

We could attribute that to issues of abuse or abandonment, and although that would play a part, the primary reason women leave is because they are no longer in love with their husbands. They have lost the feeling of connection and they lie awake in bed at night determined not to face another New Year’s Day feeling alone and empty. These women have, for the most part, tried everything they can think of and nothing has changed. So off to the courthouse they go.

Men that I’ve spoken with are almost universally taken by surprise. They have no idea things were so bad or that their wives were so unhappy. When pressed they might recall that she said something now and then, but they really thought it was a passing funk and never suspected she would leave.

It’s a tragedy for everyone involved, and it doesn’t need to be. Our mission at Save Your Marriage Central is to empower women and men with the tools and skills they need to effect positive change in their marriages. Every couple deserves to be happy and fulfilled and unfortunately we aren’t taught how to accomplish that.

Men and women communicate differently and they need and want different things in a romantic relationship. With education and skill building both sexes can learn to do what it takes to make their marriage a wonderful place for themselves AND their spouse.

This month and next we’ll look at this issue of romance and how it differs for husbands and wives. Beginning in March I’ll be addressing infidelity in a series of newsletters covering different aspects of that topic.

Romance!!!

Ahh romance! Hearts and flowers and lace. Chocolate and wine. Little candy gifts, and packets of Valentines. Yes, it’s that time of year again; when red and pink dominate the retail scene and all hearts turn to thought of love…

Screech!!!!!! Whoa. Stop the music. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say all female hearts turn to thoughts of love. Men don’t generally relate well to the idea of “romance.” The words I hear most often when I use that word with the male half of the species is,”That’s a girl (or chick) thing.” Or, “Real men don’t do romance.”

Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Sleepless in Seattle, and the phrase ‘Happily Ever After,’ are all things that come to mind when one first hears the word romance, but in marriage it has a deeper and more significant meaning. A significance that applies equally to men as to women. It’s the way in which men and women view romance and how that differs that we’ll look at in this newsletter.

Although we might call it by different names, and certainly the things that create romance for men and women are different, almost without exception humans have a craving for romance. We might call it intimacy, connection, warm fuzzy feelings, attraction, irresistibility, and even infatuation. Whatever we call it, a relationship in which romance flourishes is one where the partners find each other irresistible. They want to be together, they enjoy each other’s company, and they have that feeling of connectedness, of having found their soul mate. They are in love.

We all can recall our dating days, and the feelings we had back then for our spouse. Certainly our wedding day should bring back memories of those same feelings. Romance. Being in love. Somehow in the intervening years those feelings may have waned, and we chalked it up to the necessary maturing of the relationship. We’ve all heard that romance can’t last.

Well, it can!! And, if you want to live out your years in a happy and joyous marriage, it should! It’s not magic and it’s not chemistry, but it does take honesty, time, some effort, and some knowledge of how our partner might view what it takes to create those romantic feelings all over again. So then, without further ado… let’s get to it.

Men and Romance
Men. Men don’t call it romance, but they sure know how much they enjoy it when the conditions that create a feeling of connection are met for them. Men are easy. Many wives naturally do the things their husbands need for them to feel in love and connected. It doesn’t take an incredible amount of thought and effort for wives to make their husbands extraordinarily happy. What is not so easy for women to do is to understand that those things are different than what we need.

What are those things? To be blunt, sex tends to top the list. Men want sex. Most men want it often, and they want it to be interesting. There’s a saying I’ve heard for years that goes like this, “Women need to feel connected to have sex, and men need to have sex to feel connected.” From many of the men and women I’ve talked to about their marriages I would say that’s a fairly accurate statement. I would also say that men need to establish that feeling of connection for their wives if they want to actually have a great sex life… But that’s getting ahead in the game…

Men who have a fabulous sexual relationship with their wives are generally about seventy five percent satisfied with the relationship. That alone can trigger those warm and fuzzy feelings of being in love.

Men enjoy being with a woman who is a lot of fun. They don’t want to feel as if an outing could go south at any moment because their date is a prima donna who needs constant ego feeding. He wants a good sport who is enjoyable to be around. If she’s an enthusiastic fan of NASCAR racing or Monster Trucks that’s great. But I know from my conversations with men that dinner together, dancing, bike riding, hiking, walking, boating, attending concerts, or hundreds of other activities are just as good. Men want a woman who will do fun things with them.

And, they want her to look good. Yes, I can hear all my feminist readers gasping here. No, I don’t mean look good as in super model, trussed up doll, or as simply an object for male lust. I mean look good as in make an effort to let the beauty that is you shine. Most of us want to be seen with a man that dresses in clothes that are fashionable in the last ten years, have a hairstyle that is not embarrassing, and who cares about his health and fitness. Men are no different. In fact it’s far more important to them than it is to us, and more important than most will let on. I’m not suggesting or advocating that you attempt to become a real life Barbie®, simply that you make the best of the beauty each and every woman has been blessed with.

So if we were to take a poll of what would make a great romantic evening for a man, (and we might choose a word like pleasurable, enjoyable, memorable, rather than romantic) we would likely get responses like these:

Fun to be with. No fuss. Dresses for the occasion. Easy to talk to. Looks nice. Willing to try new activities. Likes being with me. Smiles. Enjoys life. Is good in bed. Is comfortable to be around. Laughs. Let’s me know what she likes.

Women and Romance
Yes, men are easy and many women do those things almost as if by instinct. Women on the other hand are complicated, complex, multifaceted beings who require far more intense effort and awareness to keep that feeling of connectedness, the romantic spark, alive. The jokes about women and men’s inability to ever fathom our thoughts and desires are more numerous than the stars. (Or the Legos in my son’s room). With good reason. What does it take to romance a woman?

For women to feel connected and romanced the process starts long before the hands on the clock turn to date time (or bed time). For women, romance and the feeling of being in love exist when there’s an overall atmosphere of care and concern. A marriage counselor I know once said to me that, “Men take the emotional temperature of a relationship every day or so. Women do every ten minutes.” Women are far more cognizant of the little things and are far more affected by the background static of a relationship.

For most women to feel connected to her husband she needs contact during the day. An email here and there, a phone call that says I’m thinking of you. Smiles, hugs, and a goodbye kiss in the morning can make a big difference in how she thinks about him during the day. Holding hands, hugs, eye contact, all help create that background static of care. Ecards, paper cards, and the occasional surprise gift never hurt.

Of course it helps to know what kind of gifts she would like. One man I know spent big money buying his girlfriend (and later wife) a dozen roses once a week. Finally this very conservative and practical woman told him that she loved the thought but would be far happier putting that money into a certificate of deposit. Honesty at work!!

Now as if that’s not enough to remember to do, we also want conversation. And no, not about the weather and the road conditions. We want meaningful conversation about philosophy, world events, the children’s homework, the wallpaper, the friend who called us with good/bad news, our career, and everything else in our day. AND we want to talk about how we feel about all those things. AND we want a thoughtful, participative response from the man in our life. “Uh huh…” while reading the mail or skillfully manipulating the TV remote will not do. We want to know that we are deeply heard and understood.

And while we’re on the subject of in depth conversation, we want to know about him, how he feels, what he thinks, what makes him tick. We want to look into his eyes and see our soul mate.

He needs to be courteous, gainfully employed (or if we’re willing to be the sole breadwinner, then we’d like him to take on some domestic responsibility). If we have children you can add, ‘good father’ to the list.

Women want a whole package that encompasses just about every area of our lives. Women need a man they respect and admire before we can get to the “in love” part.

If we were to pose the same question to women regarding what it would take to make a great romantic evening we would get a wordier and very different response:

First she might talk about needing to feel connected and cared for. An argument in the morning or the day before might mean she no longer feels like having date night. It would be wonderful if he surprised her with a card or flowers or some little trinket when they leave the house. Once they get to where they’re going, he would look into her eyes, make good conversation, really listen to her, share his innermost feelings, be courteous, and demonstrate good manners. The next day would be a continuation of the care and concern. A phone call, a hug, a conversation….. and the cycle continues.

Penny’s Thoughts: Mixed Messages

A funny thing about us humans. We’re not a very empathetic lot. Oh…. we care about others alright, but we do things for them that we would like instead of that they would like, and we just can’t seem to see the difference. Nowhere is this played out so strikingly as in the dynamics of romantic relationships. Many movies and TV shows play on this difference with hilarious results. Unfortunately, in real life the results can be tragic rather than funny.

How many times have we heard about the wife who goes to great lengths to plan a romantic evening with her husband. She cooks a fabulous meal, lights the candles, spends the day polishing the good silver, digs out the heirloom china, downloads an MP3 with the newest in romantic ballads (she spent yesterday afternoon researching what’s getting great reviews) and cleans the house top to bottom… including fluffing the window treatments. He comes home, tears through the dinner, downs the wine (also researched in depth to ensure it matches perfectly with the steaks), belches loudly once or twice, and is ready to hop in bed in about 12.3 minutes flat. She is horrified, offended. And he can’t for the life of him figure out what on earth went wrong. The next day he and his buddies will shake their heads and bemoan the fact that women are impossible to please!

Contrast that with the husband who’s feeling pretty happy with life and love and wants to show his wife how much he loves her. He comes in the door to find that she is home first as usual. The kids are grudgingly doing homework, and she is simultaneously clearing off the kitchen counters, filling the dishwasher, stirring a pot on the cooktop, and answering questions about the how to spell “mountain.” ( M… no….. M, as in mom….M……) Hubby thinks she is the most amazing creature he’s ever seen and that the hair in her eyes is darling. He does what comes naturally (and what he would love if she did to him). He comes around behind her and gives her a full body hug… from behind, with a little groping action just for good measure. She groans with irritation, pushes him away and, sarcastically says something about a one track mind. The next day she and her sister will dissect men and their “animal” behavior. This conversation will last at least an hour.

Are women impossible? Are men animals? Of course not! We’re simply different in how we view and experience romance. Now just imagine how different the endings would be if we could turn those examples inside out. If the wife would do a little full body hugging and groping and the husband would set the stage, light the candles, and play some romantic music. NOW we have romance going that works for both of them! And men, your part needs to come first.

Here’s to a little romance in your life!!!
Penny

Ask the Coach…. From My Files

Penny,
Do you feel that a spouse should meet their spouse’s needs 100% of the time regardless of how painful it is?  At what point does a spouses desire and or need override the others?  I respect my partner’s needs and truly believe they are valid, but I am not sure I can do those things without giving up part of me!  I feel she is very disrespectful of my needs in this way.  “I need this from you and I will not accept less.”  Isn’t that what you are suggesting?....BB

Hi BB…
Absolutely not! In marriage I believe we have an obligation to meet the most important emotional needs of our spouse. HOWEVER that should never be done in a way that is painful, degrading, offensive, or just plain icky to the one meeting the need. The first step needs to be identifying what those needs are, in a way that is courteous, considerate, and gentle. This process is a fact finding mission, so to speak. Nothing more. It's not a demand for those things, nor is it a way of pointing fingers and saying, "You're doing a bad job." It's just the facts.

In your case, the way that information was presented to you might have felt a lot like a demand or a put down. A way of saying you were a substandard spouse and needed to get with the program. Now, I'm sure your wife in no way meant it to be that way. I'm certain that she did what she did out of fear, hurt, or even desperation. While we can stand back and look at her motives calmly, it doesn't change how badly you felt. One of the things I work very hard at in the initial stages of coaching is learning how to share information in a way that is respectful and courteous.

So, then. Once we have that information about each other's needs we begin a process of figuring out how each of you can meet those needs for the other AND do it in a way you enjoy. None of us, in our jobs, our parenting, our recreations, or any aspect of our lives is going to be happy doing things that make us miserable or even simply uncomfortable.

So for example. I have a need for my spouse to take responsibility for domestic chores. We have four boys still at home and the laundry and groceries alone are overwhelming. Not to mention the homework, the reading, the Scouts, the sports, the STUFF! I work at home which is great, but because this is my own business I obsess, I'm overwhelmed and I work constantly. And I have this weird ‘grew up in the '60's’ need to have a clean house. 

Now my husband is not thrilled about the idea of childcare. Cringes at the thought of shower and teeth brushing time. Doesn't like to read stories. Gets a headache at the sight of Legos on the floor. So how do we work out this need? First we talked about it a lot. A LOT. What each of us was doing, what we'd LOVE for the other person to do. How we felt about those suggestions and then made lots of other suggestions about how the work could get done and who would do it. 

After much time... hours at Perkins (far more pleasant to have this conversation away form home with tea and cookies to aid the process) and many sessions… we worked out a kind of deal. He does the bulk of the grocery shopping because he likes it and I hate it. He and I cook together much of the time, we share laundry chores, the kids have taken on some chores, and some things rotate through the family.  

Is it perfect? Nope. But nothing in life or marriage ever is. It's a process. A process where we both know that either of us can suggest that we'd like to make changes or adjustments and then head back to Perkins for more coffee, tea, cookies, and negotiation.

“At what point does one spouse's need or desire override the others?”

Depends on how you look at it. The way I do things and the way I coach couples is that until an agreement is reached which both partners are thrilled with... nothing gets done. So then, if one partner is not happy with the conditions under which sex happens, or there is something about your sexual relationship is objectionable then there is no sex. Or if you can’t agree on where to go for date night..... you stay home. Both of those outcomes would be sad, but not as sad as living with the resentment that builds up when we do things for each other and feel miserable in the process. 

Now don't go whooping it up and think I'm suggesting one partner can use this as a reason never to meet a need. Remember I said that in marriage I believe that we are obligated to find ways to meet our spouse's needs. So what I'm saying here is that if there is something offensive in the way things are being done, or something one of you is not happy with then that activity comes to a full stop. But that's not the end of the story. The next necessary step is to figure out what and why there's a problem and to negotiate a solution. 

Solutions never ever require that one partner sacrifice for the other. Solutions only occur when both of you are wholeheartedly in support of the outcome. Until then it's a no go.

Neither you nor your wife can demand that a need in marriage be met. You’ll need to learn to explore what each of you needs and how each of you feels about meeting those needs and then brainstorm creative ways to make it work for both of you.

Best to you!!
Penny

Romancing YOUR Marriage™ Workshop

Prescott, Wisconsin Community Education
January 23, 2003 7pm
Prescott High School
Fees are $20. per individual and $30. per couple
Call Prescott Community Education at 715.262.4676 between the hours of 7:30am and 12:30pm to register.

Prescott is located across the river from Hastings, MN and is a 30 minute drive from downtown St. Paul, MN.

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, this class removes the myth and mystery surrounding what it takes to fall in love. And better yet, you will leave with an understanding of things you can do immediately to romance and enhance your relationship. Falling in love is great. Staying in love is better.

Topics covered:
How to be Honest about what You Need, Without Starting a Fight
How Men and Women Differ in What They Call Romance
Tips for Recreating Intimacy

This class is offered at a substantial discount at this locale because it is our home city.

This workshop is available in Minnesota and Western Wisconsin call for details on how to schedule this for your group. 1.877.416.2657

Save Your Marriage Central Sponsoring Men’s Group!!!!

Save Your Marriage Central is sponsoring a men’s group in the Twin Cities area beginning February 2003. The focus of the group will be discussing how to use the Save Your Marriage™ Concepts and Principles for empowering men to effect change in their marriages. The group will look specifically at issues that are of importance to men. The format will be flexible, and sharing is up to the comfort level of each participant.

Anonymity/confidentiality is guaranteed.

For more information about dates, time, location, or for other questions email me at help@saveyourmarriagecentral.com

Recently Kay Harvey of the St. Paul Pioneer Press in St. Paul, Minnesota interviewed me about infidelity and my work in that field. We discussed what goes into the making of an affair and what the steps to recovery entail. She asked about specific as well as broad ranging effects of infidelity on marriages and families. Ms. Harvey also interviewed some of the individuals I have coached while dealing with this issue in their own families. I believe she also spoke with individuals from Michelle Weiner Davis’ www.divorcebusting.com Ms. Harvey is an advocate of coaching and has an interest in the process. I’m excited to see the finished product, and hope the write up is favorable! The article will be published Sunday January 12, 2003. It is the cover story of the Express section. Check it out if you get the chance!

Other Resources:

eNewsletters:
Oct 2002/ Honesty
Nov 2002 / Time
Dec 2002 / Compatibility
Jan 2003 / Romance
Mar 2003 / Infidelity Part I Discovery and Dynamics
Apr 2003 / Infidelity Part II Exposing, Confronting, Separating
May 2003 / Infidelity Part III Recovery
Sep 2003 / Conversation
Oct 2003 / Internal Shift
Jan 2004 / Volunteer
Feb 2004 / Infidelity Overview

Infidelity Resources:
www.symcinc.com
www.dearpeggy.com
www.marrriagebuilders.com
www.shirleyglass.com
www.sexhelp.com (Sexual addiction information)

Not Just Friends Shirley Glass 2003
Surviving An Affair Willard F. Harley Jr. PhD 1998 Revel
In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Online Compulsive Sexual Behavior Patrick Carnes et al Hazelden

If you would like one on one assistance in implementing these concepts into your marriage call me at 1.877.416.2657

Check out the Coaching Center

Be sure to visit www.symcinc.com for archived copies of the eNewsletter. Changes and additions to the site taking place as you read this!!!

Did You Know?

Infidelity affects an estimated 80% of marriages in the US?

That statistic comes from Peggy Vaughn, author of The Monogamy Myth, in 1989. I suspect that given the passage of time, those numbers are even higher today.

What that means in terms of day to day life, if you are at a gathering with 10 other couples, 8 of those will be struggling with infidelity in their marriage.

Most marriages do not end in divorce because of an affair. Rather they end in divorce when the conditions which led to the affair in the first place are not addressed.

Need Help Now?

There is no need to struggle indefinitely in your marriage. Help is available. If the articles in this newsletter and on our website are not enough to get your marriage back on track, help is available through our sister company Lifeworks Coaching Services. Toll Free: 1.877.416.2657

My goal is for you to stay married. But not in a marriage that you find unfulfilling or contentious. I want you and your spouse to be happy with all aspects of your life together.

I can help you examine what things are not working in our lives and together we can design a plan to get you where you want to be.

I can think of nothing in life as satisfying as a marriage filled with love. The romance doesn’t have to end and the passion need never cool.

Penny R. Tupy / Marriage and Relationship Coach

Phone:
1.877.416.2657
E-Mail:
help@saveyourmarriagecentral.com
Empowering women and men to create fulfillment in their marriage

www.symcinc.com

1.877.416.2657
©Penny R. Tupy, Marriage and Relationship Coach
Jan 2003

Your feedback always welcome and encouraged!!! Thanks for reading. PRT
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