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September 2003 eZine

Conversation

© September 2003 Penny R. Tupy Founder and Coach ~ Save Your Marriage Central

Founding Member Coachville, International Assoc. of Coaches, Volunteer Mentor Coach Marriage Builders Inc. Weekend Follow up Program

Spread the word!! Please forward this to all your married or soon to be married friends and family. It's never too late (or too soon!) to create the marriage of your dreams.

At last here it is the Sept issue of the eZine. I anticipated that with the start of school and all the accompanying activities the send date would be somewhat delayed. What I didn't expect was the time needed to get teeth pulled to make way for braces, the time needed to get those braces put on *two kids!* a truck that blew up an engine and the never ending football practice that sucks the life out of families. So without further ado, here it is, better late than never. - P

Welcome back !! This month marks the first edition of the eZine, a more fitting name for a format that very rapidly outgrew the term newsletter. My summer sabbatical from writing the NL was busy with family and business activities. I'd hoped to do some other writing and more work on the site (there are some changes, but not as many as I'd hoped), but I seem to have forgotten that four boys home for the summer require lots of time and attention. Not to mention, they expect to be fed on a regular basis!

SYMC continues to grow and prosper. Since its inception in October 2002 the SYMC NL has grown from a handful of subscribers to well over 300 with every month bringing more. Reaching more people with information and ideas on creating a marriage we all dream of having. My coaching practice is growing steadily and my couples are making the baby steps needed for recovering and restoring their marriages. As always, I am honored to be able to do this work.

My new article, Rethinking Marriage Vows, appears this month in the Fall 2003 edition of the Premier Bride Twin Cities magazine. The article will be available on my site later this fall. I am in discussions with the local editor concerning the possibility of becoming a contributing writer for this publication. A new program which grew out of writing for Premiere Bride TC is a "http://www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com/images/Engaged-Newlywed_Pkg.pdf" coaching package geared specifically toward engaged and newlywed couples.

One of the new developments at SYMC is the formation of a Research and Development Team. This group of interested and generous people has agreed to give their thoughts and input on new ideas and projects. To read more about it or to join (new members always welcome) check it out here: R&D Team info.

Some things the R&D Team will be asked to comment on in the near future will be the surveys I'm writing for betrayed spouses and for sexual addicts and their partners. Other fun projects are the development of an additional logo and some promotional ideas.

This month, the eZine tackles the topic of conversation in marriage. Along with honesty, this is the hub where relationships are built and where all the pieces tie together. Without conversation there is no avenue for creating true intimacy. We'll explore what real conversation is all about, why it's crucial to romantic relationships, and how to go from ho hum chats to provocative exchanges.

And lest you think I've forgotten (I haven't) Part II of John Hazucha's personal account of recovery following an affair will be forthcoming in the near future. Watch for it as a separate special edition later this fall.

I hope your summer was filled with great times enjoying your spouse and children. It always flies by far too fast for my taste. It's good to be back writing and conversing.

All the best!
Penny

Save Your Marriage Central is looking for these things:
Writers!! If you have a marriage related idea for an article or story, contact me. I would love to include you in a future issue. We've been fortunate to feature the work of John Hazucha, Dave Nelson, and some special guest authors in the past. Personal accounts of recovering and repairing your marriage are always of interest to readers.

For Writers' Guidelines, email me at help@saveyourmarriagecentral.com

Virtual Assistant. I'm looking for someone to help with planning and coordinating workshops in the TC area. Some marketing and design background would be helpful but not necessary. Personality, creativity and assertiveness are most important. This work can be done via phone and email. This is a paid part time position. Hours are flexible and can be set by you. I expect this position to require approximately 20-30 hours per month. For more information call me at 877.416.2657

Conversation, the Spark of Life and Love
Many women identify conversation as one of their most important emotional needs. Conversation for women is most assuredly a prerequisite to a romantic relationship and more than that it is necessary for most women if they are to maintain the feelings of love and connectedness they have for their partner. Like many women, I recognize this need as being most important to me. A man who can carry on an interesting and engaged conversation will rank higher on the attractiveness scale than one who has movie star looks, drives a great car, lists in the who's who of wealthy citizens or even knows his way around a broom and dustpan. Not that those things would be anything to sneeze at, but conversation is vitally important to me and to women in general. So much so that it carries an incredible amount of weight when it comes to falling in love and in restoring those feelings if they have faded.

Conversation as a crucial element of what it takes for women to be happy and fulfilled in a relationship would be enough to prompt this eZine topic, but there's far more to it than that. Conversation is the hub where the other primal elements of creating, repairing and restoring relationships come together. Without conversation there is no vehicle for honesty, negotiation or even communication. Without conversation things like flirting and foreplay become far less powerful and enchanting. Innuendo and proposition are clumsy at best without conversation. Planning for the future requires conversation. Navigating daily life is accomplished along the highways and byways created by the spoken word.

Conversation is more than just an utterance of words. Seven percent of the message we send is in the actual words. The other ninety three percent is non verbal that is the tone of voice, our posture, facial expressions, gestures and all the other physical manifestations of what is going on in our heads. All of this is part of conversation, the stuff of which the message is made. Conversation is the place where relationships take form and are born. The place where a look of interest coalesces into something more tangible. Where words and expressions swirl about to form the spark of connection. Conversation is the spark that ignites creation for human connection. And no where is that more true than in the sphere of romantic relationships.

Men typically do not list conversation as one of their most sought after emotional needs. Married men are legendary for tuning out their wives chatter and for their apparent confusion regarding why "she needs to talk about everything all the time." I've known men who would claim a need for conversation, but compared to women they are few and far between. As I sit here at a local coffee house writing this, I see several groups of women carrying on animated and lively conversations, and two men, each of them deep in the daily paper. Typical, you might say.

The interesting paradox about that seemingly broad variance in men and women's desire to connect through conversation becomes starkly apparent when one examines what happens in the course of an affair. Two interesting things take place. First, the man who can't think of anything to say to his wife, besides, "Where's the remote," or "what's for dinner," suddenly spends hours in conversation each day with his affair partner. Second, husbands who claim no need for conversation now relate that this new woman is the love of his life because of the things that occur in conversation. Men having affairs report that they are deeply in love with their affair partner because she admires him, understands him, listens to him. All things that require intimate conversation.

So what gives? Why do men who claim no understanding of and no need for conversation obviously need and respond to the products of conversation? What happens that men and women both seem to be able to intuitively engage in the kind of conversation needed to build romance but are not able to sustain that quality of conversation later? Why do we settle for chatting and communicating when our satisfaction with the most important part of our lives centers itself in conversation? And more to the point, what can we do to change that in our own marriages?

Intimate, engaged conversation differs from chatting or even communicating. Chatting is pleasant but generally mundane and not all that in depth. We can chat about the weather or road conditions or the local news but it's a surface exchange. We can communicate about our daily schedules or other factual information also an exchange that is not particularly energetic. Intimate conversation, the type of exchange that meets a need and creates bonds between people has more to it than that.

Conversation has certain elements that set is apart from simple communication. It is provocative and intense. Conversation that energizes a relationship is focused. The attention that the participants give each other and the energy they put into the exchange make all the difference between a surface chat and an encounter that is meaningful. A verbal encounter that tickles the brain, warms the heart and makes a lasting impression.

There is one word that sums up the quality most needed in order to become a skilled conversationalist. Curiosity. It is only with curiosity that we truly explore the interior ticking of the heart and mind of another person. It is only with curiosity that we examine the world around us with passion and interest. It is only with curiosity that we become interesting individuals ourselves and only with curiosity that we can hope to discover the essence of another. Without curiosity life is stagnant and so are our communications. Conversation which is interesting and engaged cannot be faked and curiosity is the ingredient that makes all the difference.

If you are not in the habit of being curious don't despair! Although you may not be curious by nature there are things you can begin to do today to develop your inner inquisitiveness and your conversation skills. Let's start with curiosity in general and then apply that to conversation.

Ask questions! A curious question is generally one in which the answer is of minimal consequence to you. If I ask my son whether or not he has homework, that is not a curious question, it's a searching mission to find out something that pertains directly to me. It's more about what I need to know than it is about him as a person. Curiosity is outwardly directed. On the other hand, if I ask him what the best part of his day was and why that was so, I am being curious about him as a human being. The answer is one that has minimal repercussions for me; it's simply about him as a person. It's the difference between communication and conversation.

Begin by challenging yourself to ask six curious questions a day. Three that are about the world around you and three that are directly about your spouse. Ask how old the baby is in the line behind you, ask your teenager what it is that they find interesting about the music they listen to, ask the waitperson how they carry all those plates at one time. Those are curious questions. Then listen to the answers, take them in consider then and see how they mix and match with what you know and believe about the world. Observe the world around you and then question what you see the how and why and wherefore of it all. The more you do this the more questions will come to mind ask them, even if it's only in your own inner musings, but flex your curiosity muscle daily. Not only do you become more open and curious but you become a far more interesting individual in your own right.

When it comes to your spouse the same sort of principle applies. Observe and ask. It is important to consider a few points as you implement this. First, make sure that your questions are truly curious and that you have no underlying motive, such as getting something done or even worse searching for ammunition to use at a later time. Asking why your spouse is late or cranky may be motivated by nothing but concern but it can be construed as an accusation or complaint. Those things have their place in married life, but that's a topic for another eZine. In terms of animated and fulfilling conversation stick to curious. I tell couples that I work with to shy away from the word, "Why." My experience has been that *why* tends to create defensiveness in the other person. It feels as if ones motives, intelligence, priorities or abilities are being called into question. Even during conflict and negotiation I encourage couples to use another phrase to get to the same information.

Curiosity about your partner requires that you know and remember basic information about their day and their interests so you have something to build upon. If you have become so disconnected that those pieces are missing then you will need a crash course in remedial curiosity. Assuming that you already know those things ask questions such as, how was your meeting this morning, how did the group react to that statement, did you get to contribute at all, and then what happened, how was your class, how many people were there, what is it you like about that book/magazine, is this author as interesting as the one you were reading last week, does she have other books or articles.. The list is endless.

All of these are specific questions designed to elicit information about your spouse, their thoughts, feelings, opinions, desires. To find the person inside, the person that contemplates the world, feels deeply and forms opinions. If you think you know your spouse completely I would suspect you haven't cultivated curiosity. All of us are awesomely complex beings and our inner landscapes change with the things we experience daily. We all yearn at some level to share that inner landscape, to have it heard and validated and discussed. This is how we create connections to other human beings.

As you work on flexing your curiosity muscles through questions there are other actions you can take to show your spouse that you care about who they are and the things which are important to them. Things which you have uncovered by being curious. This takes us up to the next level of involvement. Remember conversation that is engaged and attentive cannot be faked. All of this takes time and energy; curiosity is a way of life.

These are some suggestions for ways to dig deeper, show your spouse you care about what makes them unique, and will make you a more interesting person as well.

Never underestimate the power of eye contact. Conversations that are the most fulfilling are those where we know without a doubt that we have the other persons undivided attention. Look your spouse in the eye, show that you are focused and that your brain is engaged and on the topic at hand.

Read about the interests that make your spouse light up. When they mention a particular event, object, concept take a few minutes to do a quick online search to see what you can learn. Find something that intrigues you (be curious!) and ask more questions or converse with your spouse about it.

Look for openings to explore topics in more depth. Once you've begun a conversation by being curious dig deeper. What happened next, can you explain more about that, give me an example are all second level questions that show interest.

Be willing to let your spouse be the expert and tell you about things you don't know as much about. Make sure when it's your turn to be the expert you allow your partner the chance to ask questions and give input as well.

Listen well! Listening is not parroting back what your partner just said, nor is it replying with an, "uh" "huh" or, "mmmm hmmmm." Listening well means focusing on what you hear, taking it in and fitting that information into what is already part of your knowledge and perceptions. Listening well requires contemplation and consideration of what you hear.

Respond. Give input! Talk about your feelings and thoughts on the topic. Think about and share how this relates to things you have experienced in your life. Compare differences with openness and interest, look for ways in which you are each unique and celebrate those differences rather than judge them. Be a participative partner in the exchange.

Be playful when appropriate. See the humor in life and all its bumps and bruises. Shared laughter goes a long way in creating good feelings between people and is essential in romantic relationships.

Be willing to be changed by the interaction. Curiosity that generates new information and new experiences will rearrange and add to the things you already know and believe. Use this as a catalyst for growth.

Conversation is a spiral, an interwoven sharing of two people willing to be vulnerable and open. Conversation at its best winds back and forth between the participants with give and take on both sides. The most fulfilling conversations are those where we walk away feeling heard, validated, protected, and where our intellects have been stimulated as well by the things we heard and considered.

Real conversation is provocative and focused. It's about the energy you exchange along with the words. Real conversation cannot be faked. Saying the right words without the intent and focus is an affront to the other person and, unless you are an academy award winning actor, immediately apparent. All of these things take time and effort. Conversation is not a spectator sport; you need to be up, ready, focused and prepared to play.

Meeting your spouse's needs through conversation, whether that be conversation itself or something which uses conversation as a vehicle such as admiration or affection, honesty or as a prelude to sex, pays dividends through all areas of your life. When you do so you increase the likelihood of having your own needs met in return.

Cultivating outstanding conversational skills also aids you in resolving the inevitable conflicts that occur in every marriage. Curious about how that works? Then tune in next month for the Oct. issue of the SYMC eZine where Conflict Resolution and Negotiation will be the topic.

Conversation Descriptives ~ My Favorite Words for Describing Conversation
I took a continuing education training seminar this summer through Coachville. The seminar was conducted by Dave Buck, a top notch leader in the coaching industry. Coaching itself is a conversation in which the coach draws out the client in order to facilitate the opening for change. Dave talked about the need for coaching conversations to have the element of being provocative. He discussed the phenomenon of creating as we spiked which we've all experienced at one time or another. This happens when we are speaking with someone about a topic that is important to us. And as we speak we hear ourselves saying something which opens a whole new possibility or field of insight. Followed by an incredible rush and satisfaction which occurs when that happens for us. As coaches this is what we strive to do for our clients. As married partners this is an invaluable gift we can offer each other through conversation.

These words describe what real conversation is all about. Of course we wouldn't expect all of these things to pertain to any one conversation, but there is an energy about these words that does describe the kind of exchange that touches our minds and hearts. Does this describe your interactions with your mate?

Provocative
Curious
Engaged
Focused
Energized
Passionate
Warm
Attentive
Animated
Alive
Moving
Connected
Intimate
Intense
Lively
Intent
Stimulating
Interested
Probing
Aware
Enthusiastic
Ardent
Convivial
Congenial Alert Vibrant
Spirited Active Poignant
Stirring
Emotive Warm
Personal Deep
Profound Sparkling
Absorbed
Inspiring
Motivating
Exciting
Involving
Engrossing
Cozy
Inviting
Cheery
Insightful
Reflective
Captivating
Stirring
Spellbinding
Mesmerizing
Riveting
Intriguing
Enthralling
Compelling
Entrancing
Exhilarating
Enlivening
Invigorating
Heady
Inviting
Constructive
Positive
Encouraging
Affirmative
Discerning
Perceptive
Sensitive
Responsive
Thoughtful
Safe

Other Resources:

eNewsletters:
Oct 2002/ Honesty
Nov 2002 / Time
Dec 2002 / Compatibility
Jan 2003 / Romance
Mar 2003 / Infidelity Part I Discovery and Dynamics
Apr 2003 / Infidelity Part II Exposing, Confronting, Separating
May 2003 / Infidelity Part III Recovery
Sep 2003 / Conversation
Oct 2003 / Internal Shift
Jan 2004 / Volunteer
Feb 2004 / Infidelity Overview

Infidelity Resources:
www.symcinc.com
www.dearpeggy.com
www.marrriagebuilders.com
www.shirleyglass.com
www.sexhelp.com (Sexual addiction information)

Not Just Friends Shirley Glass 2003
Surviving An Affair Willard F. Harley Jr. PhD 1998 Revel
In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Online Compulsive Sexual Behavior Patrick Carnes et al Hazelden

If you would like one on one assistance in implementing these concepts into your marriage call me at 1.877.416.2657

Check out the Coaching Center

Be sure to visit www.symcinc.com for archived copies of the eNewsletter. Changes and additions to the site taking place as you read this!!!

Did You Know?

Infidelity affects an estimated 80% of marriages in the US?

That statistic comes from Peggy Vaughn, author of The Monogamy Myth, in 1989. I suspect that given the passage of time, those numbers are even higher today.

What that means in terms of day to day life, if you are at a gathering with 10 other couples, 8 of those will be struggling with infidelity in their marriage.

Most marriages do not end in divorce because of an affair. Rather they end in divorce when the conditions which led to the affair in the first place are not addressed.

Need Help Now?

If you are dealing with infidelity in your marriage, or if you suspect that your partner may be having an affair, I can help you find your way back to a healthy marriage. Call me at 1.877.416.2657

Free follow up phone coaching session with paid initial consult

© Penny R. Tupy, Marriage and Relationship Coach
September 2003

Your feedback always welcome and encouraged!!! Thanks for reading. PRT
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